What? Wait, I’m not ready.

Ladies and Gentleman today standing in the left Corner weighing in at 228.2 pounds… FAAAAAT AUDREY! 

 

Today is March 1st as all of you might know but this date is the start of this huge fight that I have against my FAT self. A couple of weeks ago I stepped on the scale in the bathroom that is only used as a table to hold our newspapers and I discovered that I weigh more than half of what I am suppose to for my age and height.

Now it’s not like I didn't notice it and didn't notice that all my clothes some how kept “shrinking” but not seeing the number made it easier to deny it.

I have tried a couple of times before to go to the gym I even tried weight watchers and that worked for awhile until I would go to a fast food place instead of the weekly meetings and that was such a good idea right? *shaking my head in disgust

“But this time is different” I told Cody and as he rolls his eyes at me I think to myself is it? Can I do this FOR REAL this time?

So I made a plan. Plans always work right?

 

What do you do when you look for info on how to lose weight you search the internet but I didn't want to take pills or do some weird crash diet, I didn't want to lose 100 pounds in 2 weeks all I wanted to do was find something anything to help me lose weight the healthy and safe way and that's when I stubble upon this blog http://www.nowloss.com its not asking me to pay money for anything or take these magic pills that would dissolve the fat instantly its just talking about how you CAN do this and Look Good naked and how can you say no to that?

This is the post that made me think to myself okay I can do this. It will be hard but well worth it in the end http://www.nowloss.com/how-to-lose-50-pounds-fast-in-5-months.htm

This morning I got up at 4:45am and I then hit my alarm to snooze and really woke up at 5am got ready and drove to the gym. It was strange being up that early I haven't done that since Wyatt was very little and woke up every 2 hours.

I felt very intimated walking into the gym that early especially since I just stayed in my Pj’s bottoms that are bright pink with poky dots while all the others were in regular gym clothes and not fat.

I felt like that fat girl who they see once every year huffing and puffing and trying to catch her breath after 10 minutes on the elliptical while they are fine after an hour. (So jealous) but I stayed anyway and I even ran a few laps around the track. (I’m a little proud about that.) And on my way home I thought hum if Wyatt's still asleep I might go back to sleep.

But when I got here the peace and quite of the house and the fact that I felt soooo ALIVE made me not want go back a sleep I cleaned a little and had some more of me time.
Who knew that all you had to do was wake up early to get a little extra time with your self? Giggle.

Day 1: Accomplished

 

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Chubby is a good way to say that I’m Fat.

Its not fabulous to be fat and lately I have notice that I am truly fat. I am fat enough to be in the Obese category which is sad to think about. Its even more sad to think that I did it all on my own and that I cant blame anyone else for it including Wyatt. I only gain maybe 5 to 10 pounds my whole pregnancy so no, its not the left over baby weight and when I think about it I have actually gained more weight since then.

now last summer I put my foot down and said I’m going to lose 70 pounds I’m going to work out, eat better do the whole 9 yards. I did end up going to the gym and I also went on hikes but I didn’t eat better.  Slowly but surly I stopped working out and all that hard work was a waste. ( Now I only lost maybe 10 pounds but now I gained that 10 pounds back plus 10 more.)

Now I have for years known that I was getting fatter by the month but I just didn’t do anything about it. I have had some really tuff times in my life and eating just made some things feel better. It was my comfort and it was something that I could CONTROL.

My life has never been easy. NEVER I have always seemed to have had bad luck wherever I have gone. Now I know that I should be the one that makes me own destiny but I never get a break long enough for me to do it.

When I was 8 I was raped and that took my life away from me and allowed others to have more control over what happened to me then I did. It made me self concise, made me feel ugly and made me grow up thinking that the only person who could love me was someone who was worse of then me because I didn't deserve to be happy. Now I struggled with this until I was 18 by myself I never told anyone besides a journal. (which then was read by family members.) Now don't get me wrong I never went down the road where I did the drugs and had the sex with a billion people I stayed pretty much on a none distractive path but internally I struggled.

I always was depressed even though I was such a happy go lucky person on the outside. I never could understand why this has happened to me and WHY well just Why was the big question I always had but I do believe that it has made me the person that I am today and if I didn't go though that I don't know how well rounded I would be how strong and open minded that I am and how I am able to relate to others. With that being said I believe I have and will always have some issue with it. Its the BIG thing in my life, the one thing that will always came back to haunt me even though I have forgiven my rapist but sometimes I still get so mad that I have to be stuck in this category of a “victim” that is a never ending cycle of questioning my self, holding myself back, thinking that I am ugly and that life will never give me a fair shot and that I will always be stuck in the same depressing spot.

Now I have gone though counseling for this and I have found my self many times and I know that it wasn't my fault that I was a child and that my childhood was taken from me but if I don't say that to myself multiply times I somehow seem to forget it and I go back to being that little 8 year old girl who is just asking for someone to help me.

I have always been the person who takes care of others. I have taken care of friends I have taken care of family and of course I have taken care of Cody which isn't easy  especially when you need to be the one who needs someone to take care of you.  so because I am normally the person people come to to talk about their problems mine never gets heard so sometimes instead of trying to find someone to talking about them too I eat.

I know that this is going to be a hard journey that I am again going to have to face my fears and again find my inner strength that I know that I have and I will again have to face myself head on and say “Audrey you are beautiful! You are a strong women who disserves all the happiness the world! And you can do this, you can be happy again, you can be the person you know that you are deep down inside and life will be better and you are not that 8 year old little girl anymore so stop thinking that you are.”

*Sigh* So my plan is to get healthy for myself first of all  but also for Wyatt.  Cause he disserves a momma who can chase after him with out dying after a few minutes and someone who will be there no matter. I am not going to let him down and I sure as hell don’t want to let myself down because I feel like this is the last step on this long journey of dealing with my past for me to truly once again be the happy go lucky person that I long to be.Tweet