I think working moms get a bad rap.

 

Cody and I had a talk last night about the kid in the belly and the boy that we call Wyatt. It started off talking about how weird it is going to be to have another one and how we cant imagine what it will be like, then it drifted off to how nervous it makes us which then led to us talking about me and working again.

While I was pregnant with Wyatt I worked full time had only two weeks off after he was born and then went back to work full time again. I worked full time hours for a few months and then made the choice to go part time because I notice how difficult it was for Cody to care for Wyatt as a new born. In a way I am glad that I stepped into a part time role but also it was more difficult for us then finically. Cody was and still is an excellent provider but you can only do so much with one income.

So for the first year of Wyatt’s life I stayed home during the week and worked the weekends. Cody last night talked about how he is worried that with me working that I will not be here to teach the new kid how I taught Wyatt. Then he said how it makes him upset that now since I am working I don't do the same things I did with Wyatt when he was little and that he is not being taught anything new.

Man, talk about throwing me into some mom guilt. Thanks. I know that I have talked so much on here about working full time and the stress of trying to be a mom, wife and a full time employee and how it can be hard to juggle it and that most days I wished I’d stay home but when Cody said that I become very defensive.

I do a damn good job at raising Wyatt. He is smart, listens really well and is quite funny and just because I am a working mom does not mean that I don't spend time with him. I mean my days are filled with the worry of Wyatt and if he is being fed, bathed, taught, paid attention too. I pick the right people to take care of him when I have to be at work and I demand that they also care about all those things too and that on the days that he needs me more, work is the last thing on my mind.

I turn down vacations alone with friends, I don't go out every weekend and on my days off they are filled with what fun things am I going to do with Wyatt. If I have to go do errands on my days off I don't make Wyatt go to a babysitters I take him with me.

Who says that working mom’s cant raise their children to be amazing adults. What is the difference of me being home 24/7? Maybe the house would be cleaner and I’d cook more meals but really I would expect Wyatt to be just how he is and learning just what he is learning. I aint going to hold his hand around the house and I wouldn't want him around me at every second because my god does he need to learn to be able to entertain him self because people aren't going to do that for him.

I do understand Cody’s fear though. This kid (the baby) is going to have a different start then Wyatt did but don’t all second kids do? I was a fresh mom with Wyatt I bought all new things, had to have the most expensive stuff, I maybe held him to long and picked him up at every cry. I mean what new mother doesn't?

But I get it now, I get what is needed and what isn't. I will be the mother that is needed even if that means that I have to work or who knows maybe I will make that choice to stay home after the kid is born but regardless I think working moms get a bad rap.

Just because we work to help provide a better life for our children doesn't mean that we are any different then the stay at home moms. Because I know when I stayed home I had the same worries that I do now as a working mom. I just get to juggle more.

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A few things.

Hey guys! Can I just say that I have been feeling 80% better with this pregnancy finally. Right? ugh… I am currently 15 weeks and this kid is no longer a shrimp but a full size apple. (what?) Wyatt is in love with the fact that its an apple and tells me that it needs to be a watermelon next. Ha-ha and I would agree I would love too already have this kid out um wait… just as I typed that I had “a holy shit” mini panic attack. So clearly I am not ready for that so never mind. This kid can stay an apple for a while.

I have been a busy bee lately in ways that I thought I would prefer not to be. I just did two 12 hour days in a row at my work. My legs are dead tired and I forgot to eat both days until it was late at night when I shoved anything in my mouth and pray to god to not throw it up. So thank you god, because I didn't.

We have this “culture change” going on at work. So I have been in meetings to learn how to communicated better and to motive better. At first I was sooo not into this whole idea because we all know that I have written a ton of post about how work is well… sucky. But I go to this training and a lot of what was said made a ton of sense and I had a lot of those aha moments where the things I learned will not only help at work but with life its self. Then I got to meet with my region HR manager yesterday who was not only super nice (shocking) but was willing to help me through a lot of HR matters that I struggle with. I got so much training that last night I could not turn my brain off. I thought about all the ways I want to improve at work and improve at home. It was something that I needed for sure.

It is funny how a little direction can change how you feel. I hope that this change actually works and that work for me will be better because I hate to say it but I don't actually think I could be a stay at home mom I think that thought has always been “the grass is greener on the other side” when in reality it might not be. I guess we will see how it will be when I go on maternity leave in September.

Anyway this post was not intended to talk about all that stuff so to get to the point I was going to blog about was the whole Google Reader issue and the fact that I am now on Bloglovin’ so follow me. Okay? okay. Thanks. You guys are awesome.

You can also find me on Facebook, Instagram, Google Plus and Twitter.

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Maybe one day it will actually happen.

The other day while Wyatt was in the car with his grandma and dad he threw up his hands and yell “Seriously I need a mommy day. Seriously.” From what I was told he did this a few times through out the day. Which both grandma and dad found funny. Then yesterday while we were out to eat Cody got up from the table and Wyatt looks me in the eyes and states very clearly. “Mom, I just need to spend more time with you.” I then said “well what are we doing right now silly.” “No, mom just me and you. Not daddy. Just you.”

Then it hit me. Here I am battling with the night sickness (yep, that's right mine happens at night now.) that this baby is making me have so by the time I get off work I can barely do anything but lay in my bed and hope I am not running to the bathroom to hurl. And there is Wyatt, who has spent all day either with dad or at one of the grandmas while I was at work. The time we get is not the time he wants.

I struggle with this. Not because I don't want to spend time with him but that on the days I do have off they are either filled with errands or the wishes of wanted sleep. Wyatt is also at the age where playing involves a lot of work and attention which I am lacking right now. But as I sat there in front of him on that table I realized that moments with him will be very few and fair between when he is older. And here I am wasting this time.

Why is it that now days the things that people, me included find important are money related. Jobs and the wanting of things. When did it become that way? I go back to the posts I have written about the wanting to quit my job and be home and do things I love like being with Wyatt and art. I use to draw, write, take photos and it brought me joy. Now I am depending on promotions at work to give me that.

I spend more time there then with the family I have created. I have given up the sweet moments I had with Wyatt in the mornings when we played and build forts, castles and painted our faces and laughed. I have given up the nights when Cody and I would sit in the living room next to each other on the couch with the TV off and actually talk. Talk. Like deep conversations of dreams and wishes and the possibility of the the future.

Now, Cody and I speak more of how we can work more, to get more, to do more, to have the house and everything in it. We talk about what we will spend money on next. We talk about work and the stresses of it and the dirt bags we work for and how the more we move up in the companies we work for the more there are giant dirt bags who don't respect family and the fact that we have them.

I dream of work which turns into nightmares and deadlines I forgot or how I will have to fire this person and who’s life's I am affecting. I then I think about how much satisfaction I get from that. Then I think about how awful I am for feeling satisfied. Because they are slowly turning me into one of those dirt bags who don't respect family and the fact that they have them.

I am good at my job, so good in fact that I received a promotion to become a district HR manager in training which I accepted. But why?

Why do I continue to struggle with the ever ending balance between being a mother, wife, my own person and work life. I wish I was strong enough to walk away from it all and dive head first into my passion of photography and the passion I do have for my family and make it all work.

Others have done it couldn't I too?

This post was intended to talk about how I was going to be there for Wyatt more and spend quality time with him so I am sorry it turned into another rant of being a full time working mom. Maybe one day you will read that I quit my job and I finally took the plunge into my actually dreams. Maybe one day it will actually happen.

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Am I choosing an office over my kid?

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I have been having the same argument in my mind for a few weeks now and each day I change my opinion because it all comes back to the way I see myself.

Currently I see myself as a very respectable professional person who enjoys her job (most days) and is succeeding at it. I also see myself as an amazing mother who would do anything for her child and a wife who would love to be there more for my family.

I cant seem to find that balance between the two. When I am at home, I wish that I was at home more and I fill my mind with the possibility of doing just that. I then tend to think about how I could blog more, coupon, make home made meals, clean and have that time to spend teaching my kids. We’d fill the house with craft projects and dance parties.

When I am at work, I think about how much better I could be there. My office fills up with paperwork needing to be organized, problems to be solved, I laugh with my co-workers and have the since of control of being one of the bosses that I couldn’t see me doing anything else at work.

So then it leaves me with the same stupid argument. Where am I needed more? Where is my time suppose to be? At home where I am there 100% dealing with the every day needs of the family. Or am I suppose to be at work bringing in the extra cash to help provide for the time I could have with Wyatt? Am I being selfish because I like my time work?

What is a stay at home mom? Why is that better then a working one? and why cant I figure out what is best? And why does it have to be where I feel like I have to choose?

I then have a conversation with Cody and he tells me to work part time, just weekends and be here during the week. I then think, oh how great an idea that would be!! I could have both. Then, I go to work and sit in my office and think… I couldn’t go back to just a regular associate. Then I feel like shit because I am choosing myself before my family. I am choosing an office over my kid or am I?

I think, I am scared to loose the since of who I am. I am scared to take that step of being home. Being that label of a home maker. I am scared that I would regret it and that I would have to start over professionally.

I am scared that if I step down at work that I am also giving my control away. I would have to rely on Cody more. I would have to give the control to him finically. I am scared that I would be giving up my happiness or am I?

Are you a stay at home mom?  A part time working mom? A full time working mom? Why are you? Why is one better than the other? or is it? or how do you deal with the balance between the two? and what do you think I should do?

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Money sucks.

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I am struggling with the work life balance bit in my life. I cant seem to get a grip on how to know which is more important. I love being able to get out of the house and work. I love my office, the job and the over all social time I get. But then I get home and I see the laundry still unfolded the dishes left in the sink and my little man saying “momma when is it you and me day?” and then I feel like I am a failure. That I am not a good mom and that my 8-10 hours away from home, away from Wyatt were completely pointless.

Here I am working to provide with my husband a home that Wyatt can grow up in, to provide the adventures we have, to provide clothes, food, and the basics.

If I didn't work, we wouldn't make it.

If I didn't work full time we still wouldn't make it.

Being able to make money is taking away that time I want to have with my son. Money is making me feel like I am not a good mom.

Money sucks.

Then the other day I watched THIS and listened to his words very closely. I listen to his story of the day he picked up his son and how he went out on a simple trip that was the best day of his sons life which made me realize that I do that same thing.

I make sure that on the days I have off I am completely, fully there for Wyatt.

I plan trips, outings and moments that are shared with only us so he knows that he is important to me.

And Wyatt isn't asking when my next day off is to make me feel bad, he is asking me because he knows that we will be together fully and completely.

So I will continue to leave work early some days to just be with him a little longer because I miss him. I will continue to have those day off adventures because money will always suck and I will always have to work.

But that doesn't mean that I am a bad mom it just means I have to be a little more on the moments I do share with him and I am okay with that.

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