Your a surprise party waiting to burst out.

How do I feel about this second kid who is still growing inside me? I am unsure with how my emotions should be. I know that I am excited to hold him for the first time and put a face to this tiny heart beat that squished up against my belly. That I will get to count his toes on the feet that kick each time he hears his daddy. That I will get another hand to hold, another mouth to kiss, another soul to love.

Your like a secret hidden inside that boggles my mind. Who is this baby, I know nothing about? I knew instantly everything about Wyatt before he was here. I dreamt of him and how he’d look and what he’d be like but you darling boy, are a secret.

Your a surprise party waiting to burst out. You are something I seem to know nothing about. You are shocker, a absolute wonder and I am amazed at how well you keep a secret.

Who is this baby of mine? Are you going to be like you dad or maybe like me or are you something that no one has ever seen before.

I have one hundred and forty forty days to go before I get to meet you, which just seems to long. I don't even have name to call you yet. Most days I feel normal like there is not a another soul inside of me and then you kick, squirm or flip to remind me that you are here and then I sit and ponder you. The secret boy with no name.

I imagine dark hair softly placed on your head and tiny toes and little fingers and little ears and just you little. I imagine what your cry will be like and how you will fit in my arms and how different it will be to actually hold something so tiny again. I imagine the way you will look at me, with big brown eyes and then I imagine you different. Maybe you'll be blonde like Wyatt and have the same eyes has him or maybe you will have red hair. Will you be bigger than he was? Will you cry be new to me? Will I instantly fall for you like I fell for Wyatt?

Oh little baby, who is such a secret I cant wait to meet you. Where all my questions will be answered and I will sit in disbelief and be completed astounded at who you are.

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Maybe one day it will actually happen.

The other day while Wyatt was in the car with his grandma and dad he threw up his hands and yell “Seriously I need a mommy day. Seriously.” From what I was told he did this a few times through out the day. Which both grandma and dad found funny. Then yesterday while we were out to eat Cody got up from the table and Wyatt looks me in the eyes and states very clearly. “Mom, I just need to spend more time with you.” I then said “well what are we doing right now silly.” “No, mom just me and you. Not daddy. Just you.”

Then it hit me. Here I am battling with the night sickness (yep, that's right mine happens at night now.) that this baby is making me have so by the time I get off work I can barely do anything but lay in my bed and hope I am not running to the bathroom to hurl. And there is Wyatt, who has spent all day either with dad or at one of the grandmas while I was at work. The time we get is not the time he wants.

I struggle with this. Not because I don't want to spend time with him but that on the days I do have off they are either filled with errands or the wishes of wanted sleep. Wyatt is also at the age where playing involves a lot of work and attention which I am lacking right now. But as I sat there in front of him on that table I realized that moments with him will be very few and fair between when he is older. And here I am wasting this time.

Why is it that now days the things that people, me included find important are money related. Jobs and the wanting of things. When did it become that way? I go back to the posts I have written about the wanting to quit my job and be home and do things I love like being with Wyatt and art. I use to draw, write, take photos and it brought me joy. Now I am depending on promotions at work to give me that.

I spend more time there then with the family I have created. I have given up the sweet moments I had with Wyatt in the mornings when we played and build forts, castles and painted our faces and laughed. I have given up the nights when Cody and I would sit in the living room next to each other on the couch with the TV off and actually talk. Talk. Like deep conversations of dreams and wishes and the possibility of the the future.

Now, Cody and I speak more of how we can work more, to get more, to do more, to have the house and everything in it. We talk about what we will spend money on next. We talk about work and the stresses of it and the dirt bags we work for and how the more we move up in the companies we work for the more there are giant dirt bags who don't respect family and the fact that we have them.

I dream of work which turns into nightmares and deadlines I forgot or how I will have to fire this person and who’s life's I am affecting. I then I think about how much satisfaction I get from that. Then I think about how awful I am for feeling satisfied. Because they are slowly turning me into one of those dirt bags who don't respect family and the fact that they have them.

I am good at my job, so good in fact that I received a promotion to become a district HR manager in training which I accepted. But why?

Why do I continue to struggle with the ever ending balance between being a mother, wife, my own person and work life. I wish I was strong enough to walk away from it all and dive head first into my passion of photography and the passion I do have for my family and make it all work.

Others have done it couldn't I too?

This post was intended to talk about how I was going to be there for Wyatt more and spend quality time with him so I am sorry it turned into another rant of being a full time working mom. Maybe one day you will read that I quit my job and I finally took the plunge into my actually dreams. Maybe one day it will actually happen.

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This kid.

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This kid. Oh my he seriously cracks me up. Cody and I have talked a lot about what is in store for him when the baby gets here. Cody worries that he might not take it so well having another kid come in and take some of his attention away. But I think its going to be the opposite I think he will thrive on being the big brother.

He was the first person I told when I found out. I picked him up from preschool and told him I had a secret to tell him and as we got into the car I told him that I had a baby in my belly. He responded with a huge smile and said “Do you really?!” “Mom, do you really?!” As I replied with a “yep” he then said “I wont change the poopy diapers but I will feed her a bottle when he cries.” Okay, deal” I said.

He even told Brooklyn (his best friend) today that I had a baby in my belly and that meant I was pregnant. I think he will take on his role as the big brother very well. I do however feel like he will take it hard once he realizes that we will be changing his sleeping arrangements. He will be moving to the playroom upstairs and the baby will get his room. So that should be interesting.

If you guys got any tips on how to help the transition into big brotherhood let me know I would love to hear about it.

Thanks!

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Ok not “kill, kill” But…

Right now, I could seriously kill my animals, husband and child. Ok not “kill, kill”… but threaten to take a week vacation with out them. Some place preferably on the beach, with a nice cold drink in my hand. Music playing and a lot of internet searching with a ton of blog reading. Awe…. that would be the life.

::pause just for a moment and breath in that beach air that I am soo day dreaming about at this very moment, I might just get in my car and drive the whole 18+ hours to Cali so I can sit on the beach. serious I just might::

Its currently tomorrow, even though its still today and with that I mean, it is early in the morning. The house is officially asleep and I have that “free time” that us all moms beg for. But its at the cost of staying up way too late, waking up to the next day with barely any sleep, which then in turns makes me grumpy and literally pissed off at everything.

Wyatt, has been a heck of a toddler lately. He is officially “talking back” to me and trying to shove his opinions down my throat like he has some type of mind or something. “No, mommy we need to do this.” “mommy what i am saying is this..” “I asked you so many times to do this for me mom” “Mom. no. this. that.” –OMG, I want to literally pull my hair out from my head and tie it in a rope and hang my self with it. Seriously, I do. okay not seriously but OMG, come on child.

Then you got the whole husband who is just well, acting like the “nice guy” and making me the “mean mom.” which makes me want to shoot him. and… AND, he is totally slacking on his chore, which is laundry. So I have been wearing dirty clothes because I REFUSE to do it. refuse. So much so, that he actually did it today (because I kept saying over and over how dirty Wyatt's clothes where.) but it is currently balled up in the laundry basket unfolded, which will sit there until:

1. I fold it.

2. Nag him to death and make him do it. which will then make us fight.

neither are good choices.

Plus, we got this new puppy (omg, he is sooo cute.) Which some how turned into a mammas boy, who follows me around everywhere and is always at my feet. That then makes the husband claim that he is just mine so he doesn't have to take care of him. Which makes me want to punch myself in the eye. Because for Christ sake, take him out side to pee for once!

Then you got our cats, who hate our new dog so all they do is hiss and chase each other.Which they only do it at night, which is a perfect time to wake up Wyatt and the rest of our neighbours because that's such a great idea! 

Oh, its been thrilling. [don't even get me started on work. It’s been sucking lately.]

Man. I need a vacation.

 

 

 

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Ps. sorry about not hosting Texture Thursday this week. I spaced it. Plus we have had funeral overload this week (all on Cody's side.) Next week it will be up. Sorry.

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