Regardless

 

The night may have turned into something that no one could imagine but regardless we are still here waiting for you. As I think back to the events that happened.  It was a relief to have it come out into the open but was it worth it?
Regardless we are family regardless we love you regardless we will be here for you regardless.

I just keep thinking back to those days when I was young and the secret would build up and I could hardly breathe and my world would be over. I can’t imagine how much it was worse for you. You took the brunt of it all. I am sorry.

Regardless I love you we love you we want you in our in the family now and forever.

The night may have turned into something that no one could image was it worth it?

I’m sorry sister. I am sorry that you had to be all alone in your struggle and we didn’t see the pain. I’m sorry sister.

We would talk for hours about the past and I would listen partly because I didn’t want to relive the pain endured when I was eight. I would listen... partly and I am sorry for that. I just couldn’t go back I was finally moving forward. I am sorry sister I just couldn’t I couldn’t… I’m sorry.

Regardless sister I love you.

I will listen now I will listen now… okay I will. Sister I will now I will I promise. I am sorry sister.

It was a night to celebrate to be happy to be together and I am sorry sister that you needed it to be this. I am sorry sister that we lost you in the end. 

I am sorry sister regardless I will always love you.

I will REGARDLESS. Tweet

I was just doing what I thought was best.

 

2 nights ago Wyatt woke up at 3 in the morning screaming. I knew at that moment he was sick.

Great I thought.

I hate having a sick child. Its seriously the worse thing about being a mother because not only are you up at all hours of the night wiping runny noses and cleaning up throw up or holding a child who has a fever over a 100 but not being able to take that pain away from your child is an awful feeling.

You feel helpless.

When Wyatt's sick I tend to worry more then I ever do. I think the worse things possible.

Did I give him the right medicine?

Was it to much?

What do I do if…?

Is he going to have some type of sickness that he will die in the middle of the night from? and I wont be there for him?

Now I know that's a bit dramatic but I seriously think all those things and more. I check on him multiply times in the middle of the night just to make sure that he is still in fact breathing.

Last night around midnight Wyatt woke up ready for his next dose of Tylenol as when I went in there he was hot to the touch (more than he has been all day.) So I took his temperature… it said his temp was 106.00! With out hesitation I screamed at Cody that we needed to go to the ER.

Cody being “money minded” told me to take his temp again and that we should wait and try to cool him down with nice wet rags.

This is very sensible but I didn't hear one word of it. All I thought was “Stop trying to SAVE money! His temperature is too high WE NEED TO GO NOW!” so I disagreed with him and made him take us to the ER.

Now of course we get there and they take his temp and say that he is only at 101. Which made me feel like an idiot. Why did my thermometer tell me other wise? then doctor then proceeded to treat me like I was stupid and explained when I should be worried and when not too.

I KNOW THIS!! I KNOW THAT A FEVER IS JUST INDICATING THAT HE HAS AN INFECTION!!! but I also know that if it gets to high that it can cause damages. That's why when I read his temp and it said it was 106 I came in!!!!!! UGH!

AS I look over to Cody when the doctor left to get us some ear infection meds and he had this look on his face of “I TOLD YOU SO.” which made me feel even worse.

I think the reason why I panicked was when Wyatt was 2 months old he had a fever of 101 for a couple of days and when I finally (AFTER WAITING MIND YOU!!) took him into to see his doctor which then he immediately checked him into the hospital. He was there for 4 days for a HIGH FEVER!!!

He was poked and prodded it was awful. so I feel like I will do anything and everything to avoid this from happening to him again.

I do agree I should of listened to Cody and tried to cool his temperature down but I didn't. And yes now we will have to pay a higher amount of money for an ER visit then if I just waited a little longer and took him to see his doctor in the morning.

SORRY! I was just doing what I thought was best.

As we took Wyatt home from the ER I calmed down a little to recognize that yes I was wrong to be over dramatic and yes I should of did what Cody suggested and have a learned from this? yes but will I not panic if it happens again? I can not promise anything.

I guess I can only try not to next time.

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Oh NO

 

Wyatt is now beginning to use the word no. He says no to things he wants, no to things he doesn’t want, no to me, no to dad, no to every question there is.
Ugh I now hate the word no.

I hate that he is now entering into the dreaded trouble twos and I hate that I now have to do timeouts a lot more the normal which he doesn’t seem to care about.

Lately when he gets in trouble “I say you better stop that or you will go into time out. Do you want to go into time out?“

“Yeah.” He says.

“Fine.” I smirk as I put him into time out. Thinking he might regret it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAOHOHOHAHHAHAH… –do you like my evil little laugh?

When he is in time out he lays on the floor and sings or he hits his head on the wall and he plays with his shoes. He does everything but think about why he is in time out. UGH which that leads me to put him in multiply time outs.

I sometimes get so mad that he seems to enjoy timeouts that I WANT to scream in his face and threaten the worse things that I can just so he’d cry so then I know that he is upset that he is in time out. But I don’t I just continue to reset the timer until he finally sits there and GETS that he is indeed in trouble.

Then there is the dreaded attitude that comes along with the almost trouble twos. The screaming for no reason especially in public places which that then makes me stop what I’m doing and become a “mean mom.” which then of course gets me the stares.

YES PEOPLE I DISCIPLINE MY CHILD IN PUBLIC REGARDLESS!!! SO STOP STARING AND GET OVER IT ALREADY!!

He is also become he’s own little person and he knows how to hurt your feelings.

Example:
Last week I took on some more hours at work so didn’t get to have a lot of my days with him daddy did. when I finally had the day off and we could go do things. (which means running errands that have been put off because daddy doesn’t do them even if I’m working. Great I am now a week behind. sigh.)
When I tried to get Wyatt out of his car seat he proceeded to tell me with a little smirk on his face “Mommy NO!! daddy.” My heart broke a little there. As daddy happily took him out of the car seat I thought in my head you haven’t really seen me for days and you WANT daddy?

He is also now getting out of his bed after I put him to sleep for the night. I’m not really complaining about this because it’s really only 3 times or so that he comes out.

 
He will walk out and peek around the corner and proceed to sit down in the hallway where I “can’t see him.” I feel like he is saying in his head HA HA  I’m awake and you can’t see me which I find to be hilarious because when I go into the hallway to get him the look on his face is priceless.

Its shear fear. Like an oh I am in deep shit now. So I can’t help but laugh in my head as I walk him back into bed.

SIGH… Wish me luck as I enter into the dreaded trouble twos because I have a feeling that I might not survive it.

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Being angry for one minute can take away 60 seconds of your happiness.

You walk in after work with this angry presents that I can just tell is going to make us fight or at least make me not want to be next to you for the rest of the night.

Didn’t you know that I was happy today? Truly happy and you walking in here with nothing but disapproval of how the house looks or that I didn't put the game on. That just makes me nothing but upset.

“You ruin all my happiness.” yes, I said it and yes I meant it.

You know how hard it is to find a happy picture of you or to even take one? Why do we always have to fight over one stupid thing?

Happiness.

Why is it hard to be H A P P Y?

Just carefree relaxed happy.

Please… just…LET G O of the S T R E S S!

I just want to be blissfully happy. PURE oh that word just makes me long for it even more.

I don't want to have anymore of these moments of unpleasantness.

I want to be wrapped in your arms with knowing it’s because we are happy not because I am trying to “calm” you down.

I don't even remember the last time I truly heard you laugh or at least a real hold you bully almost pee your pants laugh. Come to think of it in the past 5 years we have been together I don't think I have ever once heard you do that.

You’re taking a piece of me each time you just… can’t… LET… IT… GO…

I wish, oh I wish for you to truly to find that happiness or at least something more than anger and disapproval.

I have been depressed before maybe not the manic kind with more than a little anxiety with a dash of OCD added in for good measure. But I have been unhappy for no apparent reason and I gotten over it and how I did it? Was to just to not take EVERYTHING so personal. I just can’t understand how being negative all the time helps anything. It takes down the moral of the whole house in an inset with out any regard to the long day of happy moments that Wyatt and I shared.

Don’t you want to come home and just BE?

Be with us regardless if the house is a mess or if your game isn’t on or if WHATEVER.

When the house is a mess? That just means that I have spent the day playing and goofing around and LOVING your son and to me that is my number one priority.

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NO MORE MISSES NICE MOMMA!

Now I have never wanted to be that mom that lets her children walk all over her. I have always commanded respect in everything I have done in my life and if I haven’t gotten it well, it becomes World war 3.


Lately I have been slipping on giving Time outs because first he cries and then I feel bad. Second Cody has a hard time with me giving them. He will just beg Wyatt the whole time to “just listen please just listen to mamma.” so I feel like I am an awful person.

But no more misses nice momma! I want to be that mom that every kid respects and I know that the only I can achieve that is to discipline and I feel like the earlier you do it the easier it is.

So today after all the craft/music/dancing time I did with Wyatt I expected him to help me clean up. Wyatt did help a little here and there but then when I would ask him to pick up the crayons he ignored me. So I’d ask again and he would come close to doing it but then he would “pretend” that something else was more interesting than to pick up his crayons. I let him do this for a little bit until I was soooo annoyed that I wasn’t going to take it anymore. So I did something drastic. Something so awful that any 1 year old kid would shiver in fear just at the sound of the dreaded word I did a TIMEOUT!

Since I haven’t done one with Wyatt for about a week we had to start at the very beginning. Which means that I felt like it would take him at least 5 or 6 times of being in time out before he would do what I had asked of him.

MY RULES OF TIME OUT

(Always give just ONE warning)

1. Get down to their level.

2. Talk in a deep/stern sounding voice and explain why you are giving them a time out.

3. Put them in a “time out spot” the same one if you can each time.

4. Set a timer 1 min per age.

5. Ignore any cries for attention

6. If they get out of the time out spot PUT THEM BACK there but don’t say anything when you do and start the timer over.

7. When the timer rings tell them again why you put them in timeout and ask for a sorry and a hug. (If they don’t give one start again.)

*And if the reason why you are putting them in time out is to clean up something or do something you asked they must go and do just that right after the time out is done or you will need to put them back in time out.*

I sat Wyatt down on his time out spot and started the timer. He got up just once so I had to start over. He sat for his full min but when we came back to the living room for him pick up his crayons he couldn’t do it because he was crying so hard and just wouldn’t calm down. And when he cries like this I mean he is full on so dramatic that he has his hand over his face wailing with tears bouncing off his checks.

Now this is the type of cry he does to get away with anything. (Just ask grandpa Corbridge Wyatt gets him each time.) But I don’t fall for it. I say “Wyatt if you don’t stop crying and pick up these crayons you will be in time out again.” (His one warning.) He doesn’t stop so I pick him up and put him back in time out. He doesn’t get up this time and when the timer rings he actually stops crying and I ask for a sorry and a hug (he just hugs because he can’t say sorry yet.) and I tell him to go and pick up his crayons and put them away.

And to my amazement (cause I thought this would go on for at least an hour.) he does. I wanted to cry because I was so happy and proud of him. It just makes me think of how much of a big boy he is becoming. Pretty soon he will be a teenager and god; I don’t know what I will do then.Tweet

Yeah you know who you are.

The first thing I want to say is that if by now if you can’t tell I am very sarcastic person I just bluntly write about how I FEEL about things. Now this doesn’t mean that I DON’T love my husband or that we don’t have great wonderful moments. So the people who want to cause problems (yes, you know who you are.) and start saying things to Cody trying to make him feel embarrassed about what I write about THAT DOESN’T HELP ANYTHING! All that does is make you feel better about yourself because you just wanted to cause drama GOOD JOB you did.



Now Cody knows what I write about and he knew that I was and is going to be 100% honest we talked about it before I started writing but he is the type of person who likes to not TALK about things and he doesn’t like people to know our business and I know that my writing on this blog about certain situations will make people want to know about us and wonder if we are having problems but people ASK ME! Not him let him live in his fantasy world of not EVER talking about his feelings.


So to CLEAR UP ANYTHING we did have issues early this year and yes I did say some mean things that certain people know about but we are fine now we are trying to learn to love each other like we did before certain things came up in our relationship. Yes WE still do LOVE each other but we are working on our marriage so we can get back to how we use to be.


This blogs purpose is to write about how I feel about being a mother and how I feel about being a wife and I want to let people know that if I can survive hard situations in motherhood being a wife or in just BEING A PERSON than you can too.
So please just let Cody be and stop making things into something that is it not.


Secondly, I have being trying to do one craft a day or an activity with Wyatt so he has more variety in the day then just playing with his toys and watching Mickey. So I will try to start to post what we did for the week on Friday so come back and check it out and if you have any ideas I would love to hear them!


So since I started in the middle/end of the week here is what we did last week today enjoy.

MAKING HOME MADE PLAYDOUGH:

1/4 cup salt
1 cup flour
1/4 or more as need of hot water.
add food color if you like (We just painted it with finger paints)
 stir/kneed until it becomes a ball.
And BAM your done!

We also painted and cut out the alphabet and tape them on his bedroom door.
then all day we sang and talked about them.

One of the days we also made Peanut butter bars you can get the recipe here http://recipecurio.com/peanut-butter-and-jam-bars-2/

ENJOY!

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Bad idea.

Now I know that I am new to this cleaning everyday thing but what gets me so mad is that Cody tries to make me feel like I haven’t being doing it lately.

Yesterday he comes home from work and is all irritated and starts to pick up the toys that were on the living room floor and is grunting angrily as he is doing this. And I say what?! He doesn’t answer me so I leave it alone because I know that he is mad that I didn’t pick them up. I think to myself FIRST of all Wyatt is sick and wanted nothing but to be held all day so how am I suppose to clean with him that way?

SECONDLY it’s like 5 toys your really going to get mad that I didn’t pick up 5 GOD DAMN TOYS? Ugh *shaking my head*

So this morning I know that I have to do the things I missed yesterday and my chores for today. So I start to clean while Wyatt was playing. I’m scrubbing the windows and taking everything out of my kitchen to mop the floors just so you understand what I am about to say Cody has this habit of keeping EVERYTHING I swear if I wasn’t the type of person who threw things away or even donated things Cody would end up being a hoarder.

 It is so bad that we have a whole storage shed filled with things that doesn’t have any type of purpose. We have boxes for electronics that we don’t even have anymore, card board cut outs of produce that he has taken from work and he will even keep the tiny pieces of broken items that we don’t even know what they go to anymore so you can’t even fix them but if I suggest that we throw things away he flips out!

I did make him one day go through everything and throw things away and that ended up in a big fight and he was depressed for days. And we still have more than half of what I wanted to get rid of.

A couple of days ago I went through my closet and emptied out things I didn’t use, wear or what we didn’t need. And I also went through Cody’s stuff. I try to do this every so often when he is not home so I can’t get rid of things. I ended up not finishing the project and left the box of stuff I was going to though away in the bed room.

Bad idea.

Today I told Cody that he needed to throw away that computer chair which was broken because we don’t use it now and we won’t EVER use it again and it’s in the way. Of course he is mad about this idea and tries to fight me on it. And I wasn’t having it I also tell him to throw away that box in there which was another bad idea.

He leaves to throw the items away and I continue to finish scrubbing the kitchen floor.

After awhile I didn’t notice him come back so I go to look for him.

I walk outside and he is still on the porch sifting through the box of stuff I was going to throwing away and he is MAD. He has a handle full of items and starts to question why I am throwing everything away.

He picks up an old name badge holder that I had from a job 5 years ago and asks why I am throwing this away? Because I don’t need it I tell him. But he says that he could use it for his work. I tell him well then you better use it today or I will throw it away while you are at work because I don’t believe you will use it. He puts it in his “KEEP” pile he has in his hand. And then he proceeds to grab out old pens and I tell him that they don’t have any ink in them. But he says he’s going to check them later because I just ALWAYS just throw things away. We continue to fight about everything I wanted to throw away until I give up and walk away and then after awhile he finally throws the box away with some things left inside it and brings the others back in. now I am irritated.

I leave it alone though and I finish cleaning and he goes off to work and then I go and try to find this stash he hide from me so I can throw those things away. But I think he took it with him because I have no idea where he put it but believe you me I will find it and I will throw it away like I always do.

                                        

Seriously Cody why do we have to keep everything?!!?!?! I know it has to do with your
manic depressant anxiety disorder. Plus the OCD that you have but I sometimes just can’t handle it. It just STUFF! Stuff seriously that’s it. That’s I how think about it anyway but to him it’s the end of the world. But I will NOT become one of those households you see on that show hoarders so I will fight to the death if I have too. Don’t test me.   

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Oh Snap

             I have discovered that I am mean person. I tend to push your buttons until you explode. I don’t intentionally mean to be MEAN and I know it’s not a good thing, I get that. I do and I understand this but I just can’t seem stop being mean. I have tried and it isn’t working.

 Yesterday was a day that I should of just stop while I was ahead.

 Now I don’t really think when I become mean. I just act, you can asks my sisters all about this. My sister Breanne

tells this story of when we were little how I stole her hair ties and how she finds them in my room apparently and takes them back. Now when I have discovered that she took them back, according to her she knew the moment I knew they were gone.

 She said that she could hear my foot steps as I started to go towards her room banging on the floor. And she shut her door to protect herself because she knew that I was coming for her. She said when I got to her room that I slammed my fist on her door loudly and screamed GIVE ME BACK MY HAIR TIES! And when she wouldn’t open the door I somehow forced my way in and grab them out of her hands and went on with my day leaving her in her room to cry.

Now I don’t remember this. But I know that it must be true because I when I get angry I scream, yell, say very mean and untrue things about you to get what I want or to just to say what I THINK needs to be said. And then when I am done yelling it’s over. I forgot all about it.

 Seriously I won’t remember what we have just fought about because all I needed to do was vent and I will expect you to forget about it too once I am done.

Now Cody hates this. When we get into a fight I am evil say awful things and pick at him until he can’t take it anymore. And then when I have won this fight that I know I started I want to cuddle and to be loved on and pretend that it didn’t happen.

(Cause really I'm just an angel.)

But Cody is the opposite he will be upset for DAYS about this fight and he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me but I won’t let that happen. I expect him to GET OVER IT ALL READY! So then sometimes we get into another fight because he won’t let the other one go and I don’t even remember why I started the first fight in the first place, this could go on for days.

Now yesterday I don’t know really know why I got so upset and I don’t know what I was thinking but I picked a fight. Now according to Cody I was mad that he didn’t want me to heat up some Mac & cheese that he got from his dad.

I really think the real reason why I was so upset was because his mom told me that Wyatt didn’t have lunch yet and it was already 5pm (really people who doesn’t feed a 1 year old LUNCH! OMG!!! ) now I can’t really get that angry at his mom because well she’s his mom and it wasn’t her fault things just came up I guess. So instead I ended up taking it out on Cody which isn't fair to him.

I picked and picked at Cody until he snapped and he slammed his fist into the fridge. Which I thought was very shocking and I knew that I made this happen so of course this made his point and I backed off.

Cody rarely gets this angry and doesn’t do things like this so I know that I crossed a line but in a way it was kind of sexy. It turned me on little to see him actually be that generally upset.
So because of that, today I have come to the decision that I need angry management. I need to do the 10 seconds of breathing or something. Or maybe I will just need to not find it so enjoyable to push people’s buttons and also as Cody says “just to LET IT GO!” So if you know how I could do this please for Cody’s sake let me know.Tweet