…until I can actually breath and walk with out waddling.

Currently I am work. My door to my office is closed the lights are off and the little fan I stole from someone else's office is blowing full force on me. The lunch I have been snacking on has given me heart burn and my feet are swollen.

I am pregnant. I know that you all know this. But what I am saying is that I am pregnant. Like full on. This kid is so heavy that I cant breath most of the time and my stomach is so hard that when I walk I waddle because if I don’t then I would pee my pants. I am officially in the uncomfortable better get out of my way I might hurt you stage of pregnancy. And it sucks.

Let me share with you something that happened to me randomly yesterday that might help you understand how I feel at this moment. I woke up at 9am after having slept for 9 hours I started breakfast and got Wyatt's ready. After I handed it to him I sat down on the couch to catch my breath and bam 2 hours later woke up from a random nap in a rush to hurry and get ready for work.

How I didn’t know that I was sleeping was crazy and thank god Wyatt is old enough to entertain himself with out setting the house on fire because I bet I would have slept through that too.

Today, the same thing happened only this time it was late in the afternoon and Wyatt said to me “Mom, go lay here I get your blanket you go to sleep because your eyes are so tired looks like they hurts.” I did just that and boy was I out quick. I again woke up in time to get to work.

Now I am at work and all I want to do is sleep. I look at my computer and I think of my bed. I talk with associates and I think of my bed and now that I am closed in my office on lunch ready to take a nap. Sleep seems to not existed. 2 more hours. 2 more hours before I get to lay in my bed with a thousand pillows pushed into my sides to hold this crazy baby still so I can actually sleep. 2 more hours but 55 more days until I can actually breath and walk with out waddling.

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Gunner Jonathan

Little Gunner,

You and I have moments where I am still in disbelief that you are in fact a real little person in my belly. Most days I forget that I am pregnant until I feel a kick from you. Its hard to imagine what life is going to be like with you in it.

To be truthful I am scared to death that you are coming. I am scared that adding you in will be too much of a mix and that it will be something we wish didn't happen. The whole thought of a little teeny tiny baby is a weird concept to me. I know that I have done this before, I get the generally idea of what it will be like to rock you, feed you, change your diaper and cuddle you when you cry. But right now the thought of adding you to my heart is scary and I am unsure how to do that.

I know that once you are here all the questions will be erased and the room in my heart will grow and you will fit nicely in it. But I am going to be scared to death until it does.

You and I spend our nights together awake as I feel you moving and most of the time you catch me off guard and I am totally surprised when I get to actually see my stomach move with the hard firm kick you give. I actually say out loud OH MY GOSH!

You are big now, I am big now. I waddle, have backaches and my feet swell. This pregnancy is so different that I find my self wondering how you are going to be. Are you a mini me? A wild child? A go getter? Are you the missing spice in our life?

Gunner Jonathan, my little gun, pistol, soon to be… you, my boy will be a joy to have regardless of the fears that I am having. I know that you will be welcomed into our home with open arms and your life will be filled with all the love we can give and you, my son you will be ours and we will be yours and life will change for the better with you in it.

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I am going to choose to be positive today. Are you?

Cody and I got in a fight this week. One of those you say things that you regret fights. Where the yelling out ways the talking and the tears run hot on your face. I am unsure really what it was all about. It seem to consist of everything that bothered us about each other over the last few months which boiled up quickly and hit the fan hard.

A few truths did come out which made him think and which also made me think. One thing he said that rang true for me was that I am always negative. Once he said that I stopped and really thought about that.

Am I? Really? Do I tend to lean to the bad things? Have I lately? And to be completely truthful I have.

At work I am negative.

At home I am negative.

In my car I am negative.

When speaking with friends I am negative.

When speaking with family I am negative.

It has become a full time thing for me.

I rarely have positive things to say about co workers, about my friends, about my family, about anything really.

Why is that?

I know that I have good intentions. I know that I wish to spend my days in bright happy moments and that I long for them but cant seem to get there.

I could blame the pregnancy and say that I am full of hormones that make me go crazy. But then why was I this way before the kid was kicking the shiz out of my belly?

I could say that my IUD was making me crazy (which I think it was.) but really its mind over matter right?

I have come a costumed to being negative. I share only negative stories and thoughts. I demand that people be on the same level as me so I can relish in their own negative thoughts. I can relate to people who talk the same way as I do. I will get bored and tend to be bothered by you if you are happy or talk positive. I tend to do the pshhh yeah right face and push you off as being fake and will get annoyed quickly by your positivity.

So how do you get your positivity back? Well I did the whole “lets search Google and find out how thing” and I read this...

“Being a positive thinker is not about ignoring reality in favor of aspirational thoughts. It is more about taking a proactive approach to your life. Instead of feeling hopeless or overwhelmed, positive thinking allows you to tackle life's challenges by looking for effective ways to resolve conflict and come up with creative solutions to problems.”

So how do you do that? How do you become a positive thinker?

Well I think it all comes down to a choice. Am I going to be negative about this or can I choose to find the positive? The more times I choose to be positive the more likely I will be just that, positive. And knowing that my attitude effects the people and actions around me needs to matter more than it has. The more I am negative the more negative things will surround me. But can you image how it will be if I choose to be have positive things around me? It would be amazing.

I am going to choose to be positive today. Are you?

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Where work obligations don’t sneak in on the weekends.

I am currently waiting for the laundry to dry so I can get ready for work. Wyatt is currently destroying my clean living room by bringing any toy he can find to just put it on the floor to go grab another one and the baby is currently cooking in my belly.

I am a little bummed that I have to go to work today and not only go but that I have to close. I keep looking out the window wishing I washed all our clothes last night so I could at least have a moment in the sun with Wyatt before I go to work but instead we are stuck in pjs looking out the window at others having fun. 

These are the days that I long to be a stay at home mom where work obligations don’t sneak in on the weekends. Where we could be at a splash pad running through the water or we could be at park sliding down slides or I could be preparing for a BBQ but instead I am still waiting for the laundry to dry so I can slip into my work clothes.

This summer my plan is to do. Just to do. This will be the last summer I have with only Wyatt. The last summer with our family of three. The last summer where Wyatt is the only child.

Our summer to do list:

• Camp in the backyard
• Camp in the mountains
• Tube down the river
• Make smores
• BBQ
• Go on bike rides
• Picnic
• Go to the zoo
• Get a pool for the backyard
• Build a birdhouse
• Visit the farmers market
• Go to an amusement park
• Mini golf
• Bowl
• Sparklers
• Eat a whole watermelon
• Make mud pies
• Look at the stars
• Go to the swimming pool
• Go to the lake
• Feed the ducks
• Roll down a hill
• Go to the drive in movies
• Watch fireworks
• Go to a baseball game
• Go to festivals
• Eat a lot of cotton candy
• Eat a ton of popsicles
• Go to a waterpark
• Get a slip and slide
• Go on a train
• Have a water balloon fight
• Build a fort outside

and hopefully a lot more. What are you guys going to do this summer?

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Oh Hello Summer.

  

Hello summer, you are slowly making your way to us. We’ve spent our days as of late basked in your warmth and allowed the grass to tickle us as we laid to watch the puff clouds you make so graciously for us to gaze at in your bright blue sky.

Oh hello summer, your sunshine is like powdered gold over the grassy hillside where we will beg for ice cream cones, lakes to cool our toes in and craved only barbeque treats.

We ask for fire pits in your cool evenings to help melt sticky marshmallows and clear nights to see nothing but the thousand stars in your deep night sky.

Oh hello summer,  you come to slow and leave to quick but this year, this year we will do nothing but enjoy you.

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