Chubby is a good way to say that I’m Fat.

Its not fabulous to be fat and lately I have notice that I am truly fat. I am fat enough to be in the Obese category which is sad to think about. Its even more sad to think that I did it all on my own and that I cant blame anyone else for it including Wyatt. I only gain maybe 5 to 10 pounds my whole pregnancy so no, its not the left over baby weight and when I think about it I have actually gained more weight since then.

now last summer I put my foot down and said I’m going to lose 70 pounds I’m going to work out, eat better do the whole 9 yards. I did end up going to the gym and I also went on hikes but I didn’t eat better.  Slowly but surly I stopped working out and all that hard work was a waste. ( Now I only lost maybe 10 pounds but now I gained that 10 pounds back plus 10 more.)

Now I have for years known that I was getting fatter by the month but I just didn’t do anything about it. I have had some really tuff times in my life and eating just made some things feel better. It was my comfort and it was something that I could CONTROL.

My life has never been easy. NEVER I have always seemed to have had bad luck wherever I have gone. Now I know that I should be the one that makes me own destiny but I never get a break long enough for me to do it.

When I was 8 I was raped and that took my life away from me and allowed others to have more control over what happened to me then I did. It made me self concise, made me feel ugly and made me grow up thinking that the only person who could love me was someone who was worse of then me because I didn't deserve to be happy. Now I struggled with this until I was 18 by myself I never told anyone besides a journal. (which then was read by family members.) Now don't get me wrong I never went down the road where I did the drugs and had the sex with a billion people I stayed pretty much on a none distractive path but internally I struggled.

I always was depressed even though I was such a happy go lucky person on the outside. I never could understand why this has happened to me and WHY well just Why was the big question I always had but I do believe that it has made me the person that I am today and if I didn't go though that I don't know how well rounded I would be how strong and open minded that I am and how I am able to relate to others. With that being said I believe I have and will always have some issue with it. Its the BIG thing in my life, the one thing that will always came back to haunt me even though I have forgiven my rapist but sometimes I still get so mad that I have to be stuck in this category of a “victim” that is a never ending cycle of questioning my self, holding myself back, thinking that I am ugly and that life will never give me a fair shot and that I will always be stuck in the same depressing spot.

Now I have gone though counseling for this and I have found my self many times and I know that it wasn't my fault that I was a child and that my childhood was taken from me but if I don't say that to myself multiply times I somehow seem to forget it and I go back to being that little 8 year old girl who is just asking for someone to help me.

I have always been the person who takes care of others. I have taken care of friends I have taken care of family and of course I have taken care of Cody which isn't easy  especially when you need to be the one who needs someone to take care of you.  so because I am normally the person people come to to talk about their problems mine never gets heard so sometimes instead of trying to find someone to talking about them too I eat.

I know that this is going to be a hard journey that I am again going to have to face my fears and again find my inner strength that I know that I have and I will again have to face myself head on and say “Audrey you are beautiful! You are a strong women who disserves all the happiness the world! And you can do this, you can be happy again, you can be the person you know that you are deep down inside and life will be better and you are not that 8 year old little girl anymore so stop thinking that you are.”

*Sigh* So my plan is to get healthy for myself first of all  but also for Wyatt.  Cause he disserves a momma who can chase after him with out dying after a few minutes and someone who will be there no matter. I am not going to let him down and I sure as hell don’t want to let myself down because I feel like this is the last step on this long journey of dealing with my past for me to truly once again be the happy go lucky person that I long to be.Tweet