Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I’ll plan for tomorrow

Cody is sick. He has been in bed since he got off work at 5pm. He told me to wake him up around 8pm but I didn't. He needs to sleep. He’s such a hard worker that he never gets enough sleep. He’ll be mad in the morning but he’ll feel so much better.

Is it bad that most times that I write on here it is because I feel so “ugh” and I need a release? I hate that you all might think that I talk about how hard my life is or how much I wish for this and that. But lately I have been feeling just that.

I remember the days when all I wanted to do was move to new york, live in a beat up apartment just to be creative. I wanted that rush it would feel like to be up to my elbows in paint, write for days and take pictures of my soul for my soul. I miss those thoughts. I wish I was brave enough to do it. Oh, how I wish.

I get into this “funk” at night where I feel it in the pit of my stomach, the yearning to be creative. but then I look around at my dirty little apartment with no room and my soul cries. I want a work space. I want days where I can do nothing but be artistic. I want to be able to forget about work, pile Wyatt into the car and head out and explore with no rules.

Is that to much too ask for?


bath


I want to teach Wyatt the importance of being free, artistic, soul searching artistic. I want him to be brave. A lot braver than I was to reach for those dreams I hope he has and just go for them. I get so stuck in this “now” world that everything that does stirs me, makes my heart beat gets left behind and then I feel like I feel today, sad.

Sad, that I am not that person I created in my mind when I was 16 full of life and prepared to take on the world.

I am sad.

That's, what I am. A sad soul.

I cry, a lot at night on my lonely computer desk writing away while erasing a lot of what I type because I say it too many times or I am afraid to show you, to tell you, all the people out there that I am fraud and that all the things that happened to me when I was younger take a lot more out of me then I want it too.


bath1 

I am afraid because my family reads this. (most of them) and I don't want them to be offended or embarrass of what I wish I could say.

Why cant I seem to clearly write about it, allow it to be fully out there and why cant  I be washed away from the pain of it.

I pretend to be strong a lot more than you know and it hurts that it never goes away.

Its okay. Tomorrow I’ll plan on doing nothing but loving Wyatt, cleaning my apartment and hopefully creating some type of art so it will calm my soul.


Join me:
THE DAILY WYATT

Live and Love...Out Loudseven clown circusThe Paper MamaNapTime MomTogand then, she {snapped}

8 comments:

  1. Reading this, I definitively don't think you are a fraud. I know a lot of people who use blogging as their creative outlet or else they would blow up. 

    Cheer up, it's already a hard time of year, so keep telling yourself that there's a light at the end of this road and try to find it. If you can't be creative and artistic spread out in your home at the moment, make some time to get out and get inspired by the nature around you. 
    It's of course, easier said than done, but if you're itching to express yourself as bad as it sounds, making some time for you is crucial. I do hope it gets better for you soon! And I love these pictures. very cute.  ^.^

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good morning!


    I’ve included your site on a page
    I’ve put together devoted to hops, challenges, and memes for every day of the
    week! The link to that page is under my header. http://acts17verse28.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's always good to evaluate our insides, our souls. 

    One day you'll be brave enough to go, but now you know deep down, you have something else to take care of before you can be you and free. 
    Keep that strong desire. It's what's makes us different, great. 

    Now find something that will put a little of you in it just for you...and let it out slowly. 

    Get a private blog if you need to. also. 

    ReplyDelete
  4. I feel the same way most days.  I had that New York dream too, still do a little but my husband would never go for it. I shouldn't have done it when I could. I grew up only an hour and a half from the city. Shoulda, woulda, coulda right?  I hope that your soul is feeling a little more at peace today.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh girl. I'm so sorry to read that you're so sad. *hug*

    But you know what: You are who you are. And you are all you can be. There is nothing lost, everything you long to be is right here inside you. You just have to trust yourself and realize that you have the time, still, always. Every day is a new chance. Every challenge a new opportunity. You have little room and no big fancy studio. Well, you don't need all that room to be creative. You will find a way, I am certain. There are ways, right here, right now, for you to feel fullfilled . Just trust yourself and the fact that you made choices because, at that moment, it felt like the way to go. No regrets. Just look at the now and make the best of it. Today is all we have. Let's enjoy it.

    Sorry for that long speech ;-)

    Hope you'll feel better soon. And you are wonderful. Remember that please. You deserve that.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Love these photos. Sorry about your rough time right now. I will be praying for you. 

    ReplyDelete
  7. You know, write this!  Let it out.  It is so good for your soul.  I have gone through this hard in my late 20's.  I made some bad choices, but I guess I had to make them to get me to where I am today.  I still feel this way at times.  I don't know if it will ever go away.  All I can say is it is ok to feel this.  You sound like an amazing woman and mother.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I would like to say it gets better with age, but I think that for me it gets harder with age. I have dreams but I don't know how to go after them with no money. I am a single mom in a job where people can be very ugly (I have never been treated as badly as I am at this job and it isn't just the customers) and some days I just want a hug but have to resign myself that it isn't going to happen. Creative escape is uplifting. And hang in there. 

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading. Take a moment to comment, so I can personally thank you.