I am going to choose to be positive today. Are you?

Cody and I got in a fight this week. One of those you say things that you regret fights. Where the yelling out ways the talking and the tears run hot on your face. I am unsure really what it was all about. It seem to consist of everything that bothered us about each other over the last few months which boiled up quickly and hit the fan hard.

A few truths did come out which made him think and which also made me think. One thing he said that rang true for me was that I am always negative. Once he said that I stopped and really thought about that.

Am I? Really? Do I tend to lean to the bad things? Have I lately? And to be completely truthful I have.

At work I am negative.

At home I am negative.

In my car I am negative.

When speaking with friends I am negative.

When speaking with family I am negative.

It has become a full time thing for me.

I rarely have positive things to say about co workers, about my friends, about my family, about anything really.

Why is that?

I know that I have good intentions. I know that I wish to spend my days in bright happy moments and that I long for them but cant seem to get there.

I could blame the pregnancy and say that I am full of hormones that make me go crazy. But then why was I this way before the kid was kicking the shiz out of my belly?

I could say that my IUD was making me crazy (which I think it was.) but really its mind over matter right?

I have come a costumed to being negative. I share only negative stories and thoughts. I demand that people be on the same level as me so I can relish in their own negative thoughts. I can relate to people who talk the same way as I do. I will get bored and tend to be bothered by you if you are happy or talk positive. I tend to do the pshhh yeah right face and push you off as being fake and will get annoyed quickly by your positivity.

So how do you get your positivity back? Well I did the whole “lets search Google and find out how thing” and I read this...

“Being a positive thinker is not about ignoring reality in favor of aspirational thoughts. It is more about taking a proactive approach to your life. Instead of feeling hopeless or overwhelmed, positive thinking allows you to tackle life's challenges by looking for effective ways to resolve conflict and come up with creative solutions to problems.”

So how do you do that? How do you become a positive thinker?

Well I think it all comes down to a choice. Am I going to be negative about this or can I choose to find the positive? The more times I choose to be positive the more likely I will be just that, positive. And knowing that my attitude effects the people and actions around me needs to matter more than it has. The more I am negative the more negative things will surround me. But can you image how it will be if I choose to be have positive things around me? It would be amazing.

I am going to choose to be positive today. Are you?

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I think working moms get a bad rap.

 

Cody and I had a talk last night about the kid in the belly and the boy that we call Wyatt. It started off talking about how weird it is going to be to have another one and how we cant imagine what it will be like, then it drifted off to how nervous it makes us which then led to us talking about me and working again.

While I was pregnant with Wyatt I worked full time had only two weeks off after he was born and then went back to work full time again. I worked full time hours for a few months and then made the choice to go part time because I notice how difficult it was for Cody to care for Wyatt as a new born. In a way I am glad that I stepped into a part time role but also it was more difficult for us then finically. Cody was and still is an excellent provider but you can only do so much with one income.

So for the first year of Wyatt’s life I stayed home during the week and worked the weekends. Cody last night talked about how he is worried that with me working that I will not be here to teach the new kid how I taught Wyatt. Then he said how it makes him upset that now since I am working I don't do the same things I did with Wyatt when he was little and that he is not being taught anything new.

Man, talk about throwing me into some mom guilt. Thanks. I know that I have talked so much on here about working full time and the stress of trying to be a mom, wife and a full time employee and how it can be hard to juggle it and that most days I wished I’d stay home but when Cody said that I become very defensive.

I do a damn good job at raising Wyatt. He is smart, listens really well and is quite funny and just because I am a working mom does not mean that I don't spend time with him. I mean my days are filled with the worry of Wyatt and if he is being fed, bathed, taught, paid attention too. I pick the right people to take care of him when I have to be at work and I demand that they also care about all those things too and that on the days that he needs me more, work is the last thing on my mind.

I turn down vacations alone with friends, I don't go out every weekend and on my days off they are filled with what fun things am I going to do with Wyatt. If I have to go do errands on my days off I don't make Wyatt go to a babysitters I take him with me.

Who says that working mom’s cant raise their children to be amazing adults. What is the difference of me being home 24/7? Maybe the house would be cleaner and I’d cook more meals but really I would expect Wyatt to be just how he is and learning just what he is learning. I aint going to hold his hand around the house and I wouldn't want him around me at every second because my god does he need to learn to be able to entertain him self because people aren't going to do that for him.

I do understand Cody’s fear though. This kid (the baby) is going to have a different start then Wyatt did but don’t all second kids do? I was a fresh mom with Wyatt I bought all new things, had to have the most expensive stuff, I maybe held him to long and picked him up at every cry. I mean what new mother doesn't?

But I get it now, I get what is needed and what isn't. I will be the mother that is needed even if that means that I have to work or who knows maybe I will make that choice to stay home after the kid is born but regardless I think working moms get a bad rap.

Just because we work to help provide a better life for our children doesn't mean that we are any different then the stay at home moms. Because I know when I stayed home I had the same worries that I do now as a working mom. I just get to juggle more.

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Your a surprise party waiting to burst out.

How do I feel about this second kid who is still growing inside me? I am unsure with how my emotions should be. I know that I am excited to hold him for the first time and put a face to this tiny heart beat that squished up against my belly. That I will get to count his toes on the feet that kick each time he hears his daddy. That I will get another hand to hold, another mouth to kiss, another soul to love.

Your like a secret hidden inside that boggles my mind. Who is this baby, I know nothing about? I knew instantly everything about Wyatt before he was here. I dreamt of him and how he’d look and what he’d be like but you darling boy, are a secret.

Your a surprise party waiting to burst out. You are something I seem to know nothing about. You are shocker, a absolute wonder and I am amazed at how well you keep a secret.

Who is this baby of mine? Are you going to be like you dad or maybe like me or are you something that no one has ever seen before.

I have one hundred and forty forty days to go before I get to meet you, which just seems to long. I don't even have name to call you yet. Most days I feel normal like there is not a another soul inside of me and then you kick, squirm or flip to remind me that you are here and then I sit and ponder you. The secret boy with no name.

I imagine dark hair softly placed on your head and tiny toes and little fingers and little ears and just you little. I imagine what your cry will be like and how you will fit in my arms and how different it will be to actually hold something so tiny again. I imagine the way you will look at me, with big brown eyes and then I imagine you different. Maybe you'll be blonde like Wyatt and have the same eyes has him or maybe you will have red hair. Will you be bigger than he was? Will you cry be new to me? Will I instantly fall for you like I fell for Wyatt?

Oh little baby, who is such a secret I cant wait to meet you. Where all my questions will be answered and I will sit in disbelief and be completed astounded at who you are.

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Release me.

Oh spring, release me from this coiled and constrained position. Move me swiftly into another world where the light is held on by the warmth and the grass tickles our toes and the clouds puff themselves up to show off their soft corners that need to be touched in just away, that air is the only thing that wont break them.

Thrust me forward to the days where popsicles melt and sticky fingers are the only way to where them on your hand. Where mud pies are the only pies we can eat and puddles beg to be jumped in.

Oh spring, spark you magic on the flowers to open their shells. I yearn to watch them bloom. Their soft petals carefully slide open to finally feel the air touch their skin while the rain thirsts to kiss their cheeks.

Let the birds sing sweetly, eagerly as they dart to and fro. Let the began take place. Let me rise, extend, birth into this new life where growth is just a matter of time.

Oh spring, release me from this coiled and constrained position. I need to stretch, bend, explode, move on from this winter monotonous routine. I am tired, bored, uninterested of these gloomy days where nothing but hopelessness surrounds us.

Oh spring where are you? I need, no yet demand that you come and take me where the light is held on by the warmth and the grass will in fact tickle our toes.

     

**NOTE: The poem I wrote today but these photos are from last years color festival which is coming up at the end of this month. I can not wait to actually get to be apart of it again this year. Hopefully it sparks my creativity again. I will be bringing Wyatt with me this year I hope he has a much fun I as I did last year.**

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Maybe one day it will actually happen.

The other day while Wyatt was in the car with his grandma and dad he threw up his hands and yell “Seriously I need a mommy day. Seriously.” From what I was told he did this a few times through out the day. Which both grandma and dad found funny. Then yesterday while we were out to eat Cody got up from the table and Wyatt looks me in the eyes and states very clearly. “Mom, I just need to spend more time with you.” I then said “well what are we doing right now silly.” “No, mom just me and you. Not daddy. Just you.”

Then it hit me. Here I am battling with the night sickness (yep, that's right mine happens at night now.) that this baby is making me have so by the time I get off work I can barely do anything but lay in my bed and hope I am not running to the bathroom to hurl. And there is Wyatt, who has spent all day either with dad or at one of the grandmas while I was at work. The time we get is not the time he wants.

I struggle with this. Not because I don't want to spend time with him but that on the days I do have off they are either filled with errands or the wishes of wanted sleep. Wyatt is also at the age where playing involves a lot of work and attention which I am lacking right now. But as I sat there in front of him on that table I realized that moments with him will be very few and fair between when he is older. And here I am wasting this time.

Why is it that now days the things that people, me included find important are money related. Jobs and the wanting of things. When did it become that way? I go back to the posts I have written about the wanting to quit my job and be home and do things I love like being with Wyatt and art. I use to draw, write, take photos and it brought me joy. Now I am depending on promotions at work to give me that.

I spend more time there then with the family I have created. I have given up the sweet moments I had with Wyatt in the mornings when we played and build forts, castles and painted our faces and laughed. I have given up the nights when Cody and I would sit in the living room next to each other on the couch with the TV off and actually talk. Talk. Like deep conversations of dreams and wishes and the possibility of the the future.

Now, Cody and I speak more of how we can work more, to get more, to do more, to have the house and everything in it. We talk about what we will spend money on next. We talk about work and the stresses of it and the dirt bags we work for and how the more we move up in the companies we work for the more there are giant dirt bags who don't respect family and the fact that we have them.

I dream of work which turns into nightmares and deadlines I forgot or how I will have to fire this person and who’s life's I am affecting. I then I think about how much satisfaction I get from that. Then I think about how awful I am for feeling satisfied. Because they are slowly turning me into one of those dirt bags who don't respect family and the fact that they have them.

I am good at my job, so good in fact that I received a promotion to become a district HR manager in training which I accepted. But why?

Why do I continue to struggle with the ever ending balance between being a mother, wife, my own person and work life. I wish I was strong enough to walk away from it all and dive head first into my passion of photography and the passion I do have for my family and make it all work.

Others have done it couldn't I too?

This post was intended to talk about how I was going to be there for Wyatt more and spend quality time with him so I am sorry it turned into another rant of being a full time working mom. Maybe one day you will read that I quit my job and I finally took the plunge into my actually dreams. Maybe one day it will actually happen.

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Is that girl just fat or is she pregnant?

I didn't grow up being the fat kid or if I did I had no idea and really when I think of myself I don't think of me being fat. I do get that I am “bigger” then other people and to my doctor, I may seem obese but who isn't now days.

I do notice more now that I am pregnant though not because I am disgusted by myself but because I never will get to do those week by week prego pictures that a lot of “normal” soon to bes get to do.

When I was pregnant with Wyatt I remember people saying to me “Oh you don't even look pregnant.” even though I was 6 months a long and when they said that I wanted to punch them in the face. Thanks for calling me fat bitch. But I would smile and say “Oh, thanks you’re too kind” as I would secretly knife throat them and watch them die a slow painful death in my head.

I even got a job at the store I work at now when I was 8 months pregnant and they had no idea. None. I remember during orientation when they go around asking you to tell something about yourself I said I was 8 months pregnant and the shock you should have seen on my then HR Managers face was priceless. Yep, you hired a 8 month pregnant lady. Deal with it. But thank goodness they did because regardless of that I moved up pretty quickly at work and now I am that same HR manager that wonders is that girl just fat or is she pregnant? ha. I just assume they all are and never ask or question it. Who cares anyway right. If they work that's all that matters in the first place.

What I guess I am getting at here is that it sucks being the already fat pregnant girl because by the time people began to notice that you are, you have like 2 weeks left and they’ll tell you,  “that you look like your going to pop any day now” and then you will secretly knife throat them and watch them die a slow painful death in your head as you mumble thanks for calling me fat bitch.

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He slowly breathed me in as I did too him.

Last night I got off work pretty late and when I walked in the door I saw Cody in Wyatt’s room holding him while he sobbed uncontrollably. As I hurried in he run over to me and held on to me tight. Rushed, I asked why he was crying he said “Because I missed you mommy because I just missed you.”

My heart melted. I held him and rocked him like I did when he was just a tiny baby. I placed my head onto his and listened as his cries soften and he slowly breathed me in as I did too him. He ended up falling asleep in my arms while I whispered the old lullabies I’d sing to him when he was younger.

All the while, I thought I better not die. I just better not die. A morbid thought, yes but a valid fear I gained yesterday. I saw in the brief moment how it would be like if it was Cody was to run the household and how it would take him hours to calm Wyatt where as for me it would take just brief seconds.

I am needed to much and I just cant afford to ever die. Ever.

Today as I got up and ready for my first appointment with this pregnancy I kept thinking that I will now have to live forever and how will I be able to manage that? How am I always going to be here for two instead of just one. Another valid fear I gained.

I get to the appointment and I get to finally see my baby. That little devil who’s be making me sick. Once the moment came to hear the heart beat all I thought was to make sure Wyatt could hear it so he could be amazed that there is this little teeny tiny baby who I get to give life too.

I get to be a mother yet again. I get to be the protector, the hugger, the kiss giver, the owie go away maker, the story teller, I get to be a mother. Not to just one soul but to two. How amazing is that?

It amazes me how much love can be stretched. How much more can be gained. I am already in love with this tiny heart beating little baby but even more in love with my little Wyatt who will always be the one who made me the mother I am and how excited our we that this little baby gets to benefit from that.

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Because this baby hates me.

I have only known that I have been pregnant for 3 weeks. Not only does it feel like I have already been pregnant forever but tonight as I am forced to wonder if  all this morning/all day sickness is in actually in my head. What if I didn't find out that I was pregnant? Would I be this aware of each feeding schedule my body demands before I throw up? Would I hate the taste of all food but chicken? Would I notice all the little twinges that my body makes? Would I actually pee as much as I do?

I never did tell you how I realized I was pregnant. Or maybe I did, I can't remember so I’ll tell you again...

An app told me.

Ha! I know right? I downloaded an ovulation app in December because I figured hey why not maybe this would help me get pregnant since nothing else has.

It had an alarm on it to tell me what days I should be ovulating based on my period since all the marina drama I had it helped me remember when I should have had my period.
Well right before Cody and I went to bed one night the alarm went off and said “your ovulating!” Surprised I told Cody “hey my phone thinks I should be ovulating but I haven't had my period yet. Ha! I bet I am pregnant.” He just rolled his eyes.

But then I did the hurry randomly check the app and then check my phone for when I actually did have my period last month and then I checked my blog because I wrote about it and I sat there thinking Omg I bet I am.Then I thought back to how I haven't been sleeping too well because I have been waking up to pee and then I realized how I noticed smells more… it could be… I might be… oh my gosh am I pregnant?

I took Cody to work the next day and hurried to the store to purchase a test. Now I kept saying in my head “oh no it will be just like the others, where I swore I was and then it says nope bitch you ain't pregnant get over yourself.” But it wasn't. And here I am almost 9 weeks hating every minute of this first trimester and still waiting for my first appointment. (Which is Wednesday thank god) and dreaming that it is twins or maybe hoping it is so then I'd have a reason for all this morning/ all day sickness.

My god I still have 7 months too go! and I am not sure I’ll make it plus I'm pissed that I am complaining because damn, this is exactly what I wanted for months (well years) and all I can think about is how I am up at 5am because I had to pee and now since I am up, you might as well bring on the throw up because this baby hates me.

:::Written early in the morning on my iPhone as I tried hard not to vomit on Cody's sleeping head, jerk:::

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Note to self: Don't Google while pregnant.

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If you didn't know from my Facebook posts and my Instagrams I have been in some extreme morning/all day sickness and this is the first day that I have actually not been to the point of needed to be by the toilet all day. I so far have yet to throw up. (even though I have had the nausea all day.)

I have tried everything from eating every two hours, to snacking all day, to only eating banana creamys, to drinking a ton of water, to well just allowing my self to just throw up. It is so bad that I have nausea all day long even after I throw up and then when I do, I throw up so hard that I peed my pants.  Yes, I have peed my pants.

And now I am starting to think that it might be because I have 2 kids in there instead of one. I swear with Wyatt I threw up but it wasn't anything like this and I am literally freaking my self out. I have googled “symptoms of twin pregnancy.” and well there is a lot out there to freak the freak out of you.

What if I was prego with twins? I mean that would be cool but also I think I would shiz my self if I was.

What the hell would I do with 2 babies? Cody would most likely leave me (okay he wouldn't but my god he would be in some extreme state of mind.) and I would not be able to work. at least not for a few years… I just don't know. It would be super crazy.

My first doctor appointment is Feb.6 so I have to hang on until then but for now I need to stop Googling because it can be a dangerous tool to pregnant women.

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Just imagine what Cody is going through.

I don't seem to know how to have sex anymore. This whole IUD removal junk screwed me up. Royally. My sex drive has been non existed for a month now and I get so mad at my self because I desperately want a baby but I cant seem to get in the mood ever.

I have even gone to the length of shaving my legs (which I rarely do. I know gross but get over it cause Cody's use to it by now. ha! sorry husband.) doing my hair, putting lipstick on and wearing skirts in the winter just to try and get my self in the baby making mood. My poor husband tries hard to be with me and I just don't respond and then I cry because I don't. What the hell is wrong with me?

I know you all might be sick of me talking to you about all this IUD stuff and the baby wishes but I just cant get over it all. I need some spice to wake this body of mine up. Cause at this point not having sex will definitely not make me a baby. But its not just that either. I want that connection with my husband. I want all that comes with having sex I just don't know how to get myself out of this mirena crush.

So mommas if you have any tips to build up my sex drive naturally or any advise I am all ears. I am also going to see a doctor but until then I need something to kick me into high gear because this momma is going crazy and I can just imagine what Cody is going through.

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Hello New Year

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When December 21 rolled around I was secretly hoping that the world would end. Not end in the since of it not being here anymore but that all the responsibilities would magically disappear. Like the idea of having a job would no longer be required. Where some how the world would reset and living off the land would be more important then living with all the corporate bull shit I deal with at work.

I saw my self finding a little cabin off in the mountains with Wyatt and Cody and we would be there together sitting next to a warm fireplace that was burning because of the hard work we did together gathering the firewood. I saw myself in a kitchen cooking while Wyatt sat on the rug placed on the the woodened floors playing with blocks as Cody sat in his recliner reading because that was all that we could do to entertain ourselves.

And when December 22 came. I was disappointed.  Disappointed, that I would still have to report to work that day. That I would leave my home where my child was and where the husband was sleeping to go to place that matter nothing to me.

A place that required me to put on a happy face and push paperwork and input data that meant nothing outside of my office walls and all the while it took me away from my happy. My family, my child, my art, my photography, my soul.

So this year, I am going to find my happy again.

My goals are to find away to not work but still be able to take care of my family. I want to write more, draw and maybe start painting again. I want to rediscover the joy of photography with my big girl camera. I want to take trips with friends. I want to discover places I have never seen locally and non locally. I want to hold a squishy baby that is mine, I want to see how Wyatt would be as a big brother and I want to cuddle with my husband more.

I am determined to find my happy again and I think it starts with quitting my job.

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3 minutes of waiting and hoping

My Husband doesn't share the same heartbreak that I do when it comes down to me not being pregnant yet. He laughs and makes some stupid comment while rolling his eyes. But I have pretty much cried all day about it.

Mainly because I really thought I was.

I knew instantly when I got pregnant with Wyatt. Literally, I went to bed that night had a very vivid dream about him. My mom was holding him and another brown haired baby in her lap and when I walked up to her she handed me a blonde hair 3 or 4 month old and said “Here Audrey, take your son.” I woke up and knew that I would be having a boy. Never doubt it.

(For a while I thought I was going to have twins because of the other baby my mom was holding but it turns out that it was my brothers son who is a few weeks older than Wyatt.)

Well for the passed couple of days I have being having dreams about 2 babies. One boy, one I am pretty sure is a girl but I cant quite tell yet. They are in a crib that's in Cody and I’s bed room they are crying. I hear them while I am laying in our bed and I get up and start to walk toward the crib but by the time I finally get to them I wake up.

Not only am I having dreams now, I also am having some symptoms. Like I have being tired a lot. Not just because I have been working crazy hours but like I cant grasp what is on my mind, I am forgetful and cant focus until I take a nap. I also having been eating in the morning more and craving breakfast all day. crying all the time and still no period but what I thought sealed the deal was how tender my boobs have been.

I feel like they have grown a whole cup size in the last couple of days and it hurts to wear a bra but even more so when I take it off. I cant brush by them with out it hurting.

Right, I have some symptoms. or I am just crazy?

So I finally decided that I was going to take another test. I even got one that clearly states pregnant or not pregnant just in case.

Well… 3 minutes of waiting and hoping

I was deny once again.

It was a big not pregnant

and I cried by self on the toilet.

I know I know, it could be too early to tell by those test and I know that with out really knowing when I am actually suppose to have a period that it could cause it to not show either. So I am going to wait a few more days or 3 as the insert in the test states and try again. And if it still shows that I am not pregnant I think I am going to make an appointment with the doctor to either see if 1. I am or 2. why I am not yet and why I haven't had a period yet either.

Ugh.

Why cant my baby come already?

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I sleep with the TV on.

Its 4:30 in the morning and I have heart burn. Which as led me to wake up and not be able to go back to sleep. I have gotten out of bed about ten times now to get a glass of water. I manage to stumble through the dark to get to the kitchen with kipper the dog following each of my steps and as I return to my room. I question why I don’t just bring the glass of water with me so I don’t have to find my self in the kitchen again.

I have had a lot on my mind lately so I sleep with the TV on to drown out the thoughts late a night. I guess it didn’t work tonight.

I am again grasping the idea of staying home more. I even told Cody that I want to do it after the seasonal season is done. I have started to picture what it will be like to stay home again. I even stare at my office wall and think how great it will be to just worry about the laundry and then I panic.

I started to think about revamping my photography business if I stay home. I get so pissed when I see other succeed at it because I know that I am that good if not better than them. I started to have the talks with Cody again about how I could accomplish it and what I would do differently. Which surprisingly enough he agrees with it and that makes me panic more.

I am still struggling with the not being pregnant thing. I see every one else’s baby bumps and I am pissed I don’t have one yet. I know its only being about two months and I know that I shouldn’t feel the way I do but I just cant help it.

Like yesterday, I about practically ran to the bathroom at work because I felt like a started my period and I was going to freak out if I did. I didn’t, but I still don’t feel pregnant and I am still not sure when I actually am suppose to have my period because I haven't had one for like 5 years and I cant remember if it was at the beginning of the month, the middle or the end. All I know is that I am not pregnant.

Tonight, when Cody and I were talking in the car Wyatt told us that if he has a sister that he is not going to share anything with her because she is suppose to be a brother. He doesn’t like sisters. Which made me laugh because if I have a girl I am not sure how he is going to react.

Oh, and can I say how much more pressure I now have to get pregnant because of Wyatt. He talks about it all the time with me.

Sunday, was my birthday if you didn’t know, but it didn’t feel like it. This is the first year in my entire life that I could say that if I didn’t have the celebrations I did have that I would have not recognized that it was my birthday and that made me feel old. The magic was gone this year. Does that happen to you? Maybe I am being overly dramatic about it but I still feel like I even have a birthday this year.

I am not quite sure where I am going with this post and I guess I will end on the note that I again have to go back to the kitchen to get my glass of water I left there and hopefully I can fall back asleep before the rest of the house wakes up which I bet wont happen.

Ps I remove the Disqus comments app from my blog. So now you can actually comment on here.

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Don't be a party-pooper.

via
People! I am going to be twenty seven on Sunday. TWENTY SEVEN!! OMG! All I can think about is how I am almost 30. That's so crazy, I literally feel like I am just turning 18 moving out on my own, dating the man I am going to marry, and just starting college.  Now, I am a married home owner with a 4 year old hoping to get pregnant and debating on staying home and being a full time mamma who has never used her college degree. Crazy. Just crazy. 
 Isn't it strange how life turns out completely different from what you thought it would be like as a kid.  I was going to be an actress, living in New York, either struggling to become famous or happy to be doing nothing be my art. 
Man, how wrong was I? Hahaaa... 
Any-who, tonight Cody and our friends will be heading to SLC to properly celebrate my birthday and I can not wait. It is so needed because this whole Holiday retail season at work is slowly killing me. If I have to hold one more orientation and explain the attendance policy again I might just fall over in die.  Really I just might.
PS, isn't that video cute? that is exactly how I am going to be celebrating this year. Loud music and maybe some rule breaking... awesome.
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Am I choosing an office over my kid?

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I have been having the same argument in my mind for a few weeks now and each day I change my opinion because it all comes back to the way I see myself.

Currently I see myself as a very respectable professional person who enjoys her job (most days) and is succeeding at it. I also see myself as an amazing mother who would do anything for her child and a wife who would love to be there more for my family.

I cant seem to find that balance between the two. When I am at home, I wish that I was at home more and I fill my mind with the possibility of doing just that. I then tend to think about how I could blog more, coupon, make home made meals, clean and have that time to spend teaching my kids. We’d fill the house with craft projects and dance parties.

When I am at work, I think about how much better I could be there. My office fills up with paperwork needing to be organized, problems to be solved, I laugh with my co-workers and have the since of control of being one of the bosses that I couldn’t see me doing anything else at work.

So then it leaves me with the same stupid argument. Where am I needed more? Where is my time suppose to be? At home where I am there 100% dealing with the every day needs of the family. Or am I suppose to be at work bringing in the extra cash to help provide for the time I could have with Wyatt? Am I being selfish because I like my time work?

What is a stay at home mom? Why is that better then a working one? and why cant I figure out what is best? And why does it have to be where I feel like I have to choose?

I then have a conversation with Cody and he tells me to work part time, just weekends and be here during the week. I then think, oh how great an idea that would be!! I could have both. Then, I go to work and sit in my office and think… I couldn’t go back to just a regular associate. Then I feel like shit because I am choosing myself before my family. I am choosing an office over my kid or am I?

I think, I am scared to loose the since of who I am. I am scared to take that step of being home. Being that label of a home maker. I am scared that I would regret it and that I would have to start over professionally.

I am scared that if I step down at work that I am also giving my control away. I would have to rely on Cody more. I would have to give the control to him finically. I am scared that I would be giving up my happiness or am I?

Are you a stay at home mom?  A part time working mom? A full time working mom? Why are you? Why is one better than the other? or is it? or how do you deal with the balance between the two? and what do you think I should do?

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So we’re trying to get pregnant.

About a month or so go and after much convincing I finally got Cody to say yes to the whole “lets have another kid” idea. I did the whole doctor check up, got my Marina out and well we are not pregnant yet and I am freaking out.

I remember last time that when we started it only took less than a few weeks and bam I was pregnant. Now, any weird feeling I get I think that its my body telling me I am pregnant. Do I feel sick in the morning yet? This boob feels weird not the other one does that make me pregnant? When is my period again? etc etc etc… and I know I am just freaking my self out because I want it so bad and I am worried that I wont have another one.

And if that was true were I couldn’t have another kid I don’t know what I would do. I try and talk with Cody about what happens if I cant get pregnant. He just tells me to stop being so paranoid and that to give my body time to get pregnant.

But I feel like it’s a huge possibility. I don’t know why but I am so scared that not matter what I do I wont get pregnant. I don’t want Wyatt to be the only child and I feel like I am a damn good mom and that I should have as many kids as I want and that it should happen when I want it too.

Okay, so I might be paranoid but isn't that normal?

I'm blogging every day for a month… are you?

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A time to write.

I have spent all morning/afternoon unpacking the last of our boxes and I just cant take it anymore. I am currently hiding in Wyatt's room. It’s the coldest room in the house. The lights are out as the sun is peaking in through the blinds and I slow my breathing while I listen intensely to the soft music playing on my iPhone.

I just got done doing the mom “PICK UP YOUR ROOM” voice and realized that it was time to put my self in a time out. It seems lately I am only capable of writing when I have been completely pushed to my edge emotionally. I don’t know how to write when I am happy anymore.

Don’t get me wrong I am happy. Like yesterday, I was happy watching as Cody tickled and goof of with Wyatt. I was happy as Cody, Wyatt and I snuggled under a blanket as we watch late in the night, our baseball time win.

But I seem to just live those moments and take a special note of them in my mind but never write it down. I want to, I do. I normally sit and stare at this blank screen and try to picture the words to describe those moments but after a few minutes trying I give up and turn off the computer.

This little piece of my internet as seen better days and I am sorry if every time you come here I throw in your face the deep dark side of me. Its not what I intend.

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I caught my self smiling a lot this morning after I found Wyatt’s baby box. It was hiding under everything and almost lost to the garage before I notice it.

It hasn’t been open since he was a few months old. I found my self touch, smelling, each little outfit as I measured it against my arm. I dug deep in to find his little toes inked on the hospital papers and I ran my fingers over them. How is it that he was so small?

I found a little book filled with the small moments I quickly jotted down of what it was like when he was just a few days old as I read them I found my self surrounded in those memories. I picture back to when he was born and how we were so surprise to see his blonde hair. I laughed at how Cody was so happy to be the first person to change his diaper and I remember those quite moments Wyatt and I had as I rocked him to sleep singing the lullaby's I made up.

Man, how its changed. It amazes me how much more in love with Wyatt I am. I don’t notice as much as I did then I think its because he is growing just to darn fast. He now has his own ideas and opinions which he never hesitates to tell me and if I didn’t know any better I‘d think he was already a teenager.

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for the love of god…

I thought by the time Wyatt was in the toddler years that I would be able to get some sort of alone time. Instead it feels like the clinging is getting worse. It could be do to the dog always being at my feet or me having 4 years of caring for someone besides my self but gosh, I just need a moment of peace. You know?

The other night Cody and I put Wyatt to bed and then tried to have a “moment” with each other (if ya know what I mean.) We closed the bedroom leaving the dog out which caused him to whine which led to Wyatt running to our room to bang on our door. MOM!!! KIPPER WANTS IN! Mom? mom mom mom mom MOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!  insert hysterically crying now.

Needless to say our adult time ended quicker than I wished and I walked out to Kipper whining and Wyatt crying, “I kept knocking and you didn’t answer and and I thought you were gone.”  I then had to take another hour to console him and assure him that we didn’t leave. I know that that’s an extreme example I guess all I am asking for is being able to poop in peace or even just to be able to walk into a different room with out Wyatt, the dog and cats following me into. I constantly trip over them and it makes me want to scream.

I now assign “quite time” to Wyatt where he either chooses to stay in play in his playroom by himself for an hour or in his room. During this time I also kick the dog out. but really I maybe get 15 mins before Wyatt asks “IS QUITE TIME OVER YET?!” or before Kipper barks hysterically to come back inside.

Sigh.

I know that when I am old and gray I will think back and wish that I didn’t get upset about something so trivial as this I guess I just needed it to be known that I am a mother and I just need a moment of peace. just one moment.

Don’t you?

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We love each other a littler harder.

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Last night I had a dream that Cody and I got a divorce. It was a dramatic dream fight with tears, screaming, lies while leaving me with a shatter heart as Cody walked out of my life for good. The dream ended with me curled up in the fetal position crying until tears no longer came.

I woke up, and immediately woke Cody up wanting to confirm that he didn’t want to divorce me. He rubbed his eyes too tried to understand my blabbering and just looked at me like why the hell did you wake me up for this, then laughed and said “I might now, that you woke me up to ask me that.” then turned over and fell back asleep leaving me to reply my dream over in my head.

The other night Cody and I had a fight which lead to a break down for me. I sobbed uncontrollably in my bed sharing all my thoughts and feelings that I had held in for years. Things that I knew if I ever said would cause things between us to be worse or at least I thought it would.

As some of you know, Cody has emotional issues which causes me to put his feelings first in everything I do because there is the silent fear of him killing him self. This was known to me when I enter in the relationship and has been the white elephant in our relationship for as long as we’ve been in it. But it finally came to a boil for me.

After the fight I went into our room laid on our bed and sobbed. Cody then came in to see me and there was no stopping it. I cried out everything I felt. I told him how his depression effects me, I told him about my fear of him killing himself, I told him about how I question why I choose him instead of someone who is happy. I told him about how I hate that he never cares for my feelings and I told him how everything is always about him and what will effect him, I told him my fear of Wyatt having what he has, I told him everything. Every thought I ever had and every feeling I have had in this relationship.

It all over flowed and came out in between the tears, sobs and more tears.The strength I carried for so long finally broke. But then, Cody came closer held me whispered I love you’s and sorry’s and more I love you’s and we held each other all night.

The next morning as we woke. Cody was still there safe, I was there relieved and today we love each other a littler harder.

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Bed less

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                                             (me age 18)                                                                                                     (Wyatt sleeping in box he was afraid I’d leave him.)

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Right now, I am sitting in my new house bed less and surrounded by boxes. Cody’s in his new recliner reading the newspaper, I just got done reading blogs on the newly connected internet connection and Wyatt is asleep in a teepee that we set up in the living room.

Its quite, a nice quite. The kind of quite that makes you feel completely comfortable. The quite were all you start to hear are the crickets chirp, the air conditioner blow and the quite turning of the newspaper.

I am home. 

This place doesn’t feel odd, different or scary like it did when I moved out at 18. It doesn’t feel complex, nervous or anxious like it did after Cody moved in.

It just feels like home. A completely comfortable home. Our completely comfortable home.

As I write these words the room darkens, Cody kisses me then quickly nods off on the couch leaving me to bask in the quite this excellent quite the “we are finally home” quite.

Because man, are we finally home.

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