I am laying next to you in our soft warm bed stroking your dark hair as I listen to your sorrow. Your whispering to me the pain you have in your heart, how life is hard, and how you don’t know if you can do it anymore. I try to cry soft so that you cant hear me while I try to understand but I don’t.
As you speak, I picture what life would be like with out you in it and I cry a little more. You say how you cant hang on but I beg you too. I ask you questions trying to grasp the pain you hold so deep but you stop talking. I beg you to let me in but you turn over.
This isn't the first time we have had a talk like this. This wont be the last. The only fear I have, that I ever had in this relationship is that one day, you will finally take your life and I will be left here raising our son alone.
That night, like most nights I dreamt I was at your funeral. Your friends slowly walking in giving us your condolences. I held on to Wyatt with more force then I ever had before. I pictured my self listening to the stories of your life as I tried to laugh through the tears at the moments they share of when you were happy. I saw myself up there at the proteome breaking down the hard, strong shell I give myself only to somehow manage to say that I knew that you were finally at peace, that this was what you wanted and that you would never be forgotten.
I wake up wishing there was a way I could take away the pain you have. Wishing there was a way for me to give you all the happiness that you deserve. I have had that wish ever since the day I met you.
You tell me a lot that you don't believe that I love you. Every time you say that I want to pull open my chest and show you my heart which is filled with nothing but love for you so you could see that there is something worth living for. Darling, I love you I do. So much that it hurts, it hurts to see you this way. It always has.
I tell others that I knew what I was signing up for when I enter this life with you, and I did. But I also came into it thinking I could show you how much there is to live for.
I wish, I could.
This dark cloud that hangs over you is genetic and we knew that. You never wanted a kid only because of the fear you had that this thing would be passed down like it was too you and at moments I think it has and I panic.
But then I know Wyatt will have a better chance because I am determined to not let his life be filled with sadness. I am determined to give him the attention that you so desperately deserved to have when you were younger.
I am determined. d e t e r m i n e d, do you hear me! determined.
Oh babe, I wish I could take all your pain away. One day you will be surrounded with all the happy you need, that it will overwhelm your soul.
It will happen one day because in the end we all know we can only breath for so long.
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What a beautiful post with beautiful pictures!! Your son is getting SOO big!
ReplyDeleteYour post brought tears to my eyes. Your love is flowing from the page... as well as your pain. I am sending you lots of strenght and love. *hug*
ReplyDeleteOh, this was such a beautiful post! Made me all teary...
ReplyDeleteAnd you are so brave to write about it. Sending you lots of hugs.
This brought me to tears. Wyatt is SO adorable - and he's growing so fast!! I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGZ!!))
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Depression is such an ugly thing and it is so painful for so many. Sorry for this load you are carrying. Sending hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteAudrey... this is so beautifully written and yet so sad. You brought tears to my eyes and a tug in my heart. I hear your love and feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteMy love, hugs and prayers go out to you and yours...
Oh sweetie, my heart aches for you and your family; depression is a hell of a thing to deal, having been on both sides of the equation. Sending you lots of hugs and strength!
ReplyDeleteLife is so hard sometimes. Keep pushing through and showing your love. You wrote this just perfectly!
ReplyDeleteWow, just wow. I am so sorry for everything. I will be praying for you. On another note, I love these photos. So beautiful.
ReplyDeleteYour words touched me so deeply, and I hope they touch the one for whom you wrote as much. Some things in life require a very high payment in return, and one of those is love.
ReplyDeleteI really love the shadow shot. These photos are really great!
ReplyDeleteThis post has left me nearly speechless. So sad, yet beautifully written. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God can bring healing for depression. I know people who can tell you that first hand.
ReplyDeleteYour photos are beautiful, as always. And so were your words. They're heartbreakingly beautiful. I sure hope that he feels your love through these beautiful words...
ReplyDeleteHeartrending & heartbreaking post - sending you both all the love in the world, together with prayers that one day he really will know how much you truly love him {{{hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteYou write beautifully, especially on such a tough subject. This hits close to home for me. He is lucky to have someone who cares so much. I hope that he finds some sort of peace within himself.
ReplyDeletelove is the most wonderful gift we have..and it is given to be shared..
ReplyDeleteI missed this post back when you wrote it and so glad you linked to it today. It is beautifully written. And it goes to show how we really have no idea what someone else is going through. Praying that your husband can overcome his depression, and that you will stay strong and supportive.
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