These past weeks for me as been very trying I have had to many things shoved at me in ways that are so unimaginable that it is hard to see what it is that I am suppose to be doing.
The other day I told someone that I was HAPPY truly I was… but when I said those words out loud my heart hurt and I knew that it was untrue and the truth behind this facade I kept pretending was that the word UN happy was just to hard to admit because then that would mean that I needed to change that.
And that’s a lot of work.
I do believe no one is truly happy but have only happy moments and mine is not with… well just not.
I wish for more…
MORE
no I DEMAND MORE from you
… and well myself.
Why do I allow this to go on… why do I let you bring me down in ways that make it hard to breath… to see straight… to see… to just…
then I read this…
“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.” Wayne Dyer
So I have to FACE the facts right?
I have to say the word out loud
U N H A P P Y
What is making ME unhappy?
Hmmm…
I don’t feel like I am ready to take that step just yet.
To admit the REAL reason to myself…
or to you.
Even though I think about it all the time especially since THAT night.
The night when true HATE immerged from your eyes and you said those awful words…
and you just CANT take them back and think that everything is okay now.
It wont be for a while.
“It's the most unhappy people who most fear change.” – Mignon McLaughlin
And misery LOVES company…
and I just don’t think I want to be in that type of company anymore.
sigh…
I just want more well at least some HAPPY moments…
with you.
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