Thursday, August 25, 2011

I feel like a failure.

The last few days I have woken up to this gorgeous meadow.
Lately, I have be struggling. My plate is full, full of work responsibility's, motherly duties, wifely duties and photography. I want to be the best at all those things and I feel like I am coming up short. My shoe department is not the way I want it which makes me take more time away from my family to bring it up to the standards I want it to be like which then in turns makes me feel like I am failing at the mother/wife duties.
Then there is photography. My passion, my sense of release. The thing that makes me feel better about all the other things. But its lacking. My creative-ness seems to not be there and I feel like I am failing at giving my clients what they want because I just don't seem to have time. I don't have time to spend on how I want my business to be. I don't have time to take the pictures I want. I have plans, ideas, dreams but I just don't know how to make them real.
I hate that I have to be a working mom.
I hate that I love my job.
I hate that I gain more photography clients than I know what to do with.
I hate that I hate that.
I hate that Wyatt goes to a babysitter so I can catch up on things.
I hate that I have to catch up.
I hate that all the photog bloggers I admire are stay at home moms.
I hate that I hate that.
and I hate that my husband feels like I waste my time on the computer.
I hate that he doesn't get it.
I don't know where to go from here.
I don't know how to manage my time and I don't have time to learn how.
I hate that I don't ask for help.
So, help.
Cellphone #bokeh


  1. thank you for being honest and now tht you let it all out you may feel a crack in the funk that you've been in.and a little reminder to yourself what you sadi at the end of 2010 "I began to see that there was more to life then being a good mom and an okay wife. I found blogger friends who knew what it felt like to try and take on the whole world but fail at times and they assured me that it was okay to do that. "
    you are awesome at what you do! and you WILL get through this! praying for you.

  2. HUGS - is there anything I can do to help? Actually I don't know how much help I can be. I'm pretty busy these days too trying to keep my head above water. If I had a child right now, I think I'd have to pull away from the computer. But I still love you and I still love everytime you post. You're so amazing - don't forget that!

  3. First of the BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGEST of Hugs darling.  Now lets see if I can type this w/out going into Novel length... Ha. . I am blessed w/an amazing husband who just amazes me w/the crazy stuff I get to do. I am also a SAHM w/3 amazing children. I became a SAHM 5 yrs ago for sad/happy reasons (we lost a baby girl & then was blessed in convincing again ) For the past 5 years I have been trying to find what it is I can do to contribute at home because I hate that my husband has to work 2 jobs and we are STILL struggling. I hate that I feel as if I am just here sure I keep the house take care of the kids but to see my husband crunching #'s KILLS me. I am a scrapbooker and have been blessed that I have been able to teach people and did that which made me happy but now it's not really happening as where I did do it is closed. I am trying to find other means to get out there. BUT not happening./ Enter my camera which was actually a prize I won YES I did win an DSLR and it was like MAGIC happened. Its a whole new world & of course I can't become a photographer overnight but its becoming something I want to learn. We can't give up that is when we fail.  We must keep dreaming I do all day long. I have started to visit your blog and see the passion and see the  love w/your son & your photography. You just have to remember that love and bring it back. I understand your hubby might not get it but if he sees your passion and how its connected to you then he might start to understand. Remember we are human and not perfect. We just have to keep going & know there are people that are behind you :)

  4. it takes courage to write what you wrote. you should know that. I don't usually write when I'm down, I always try to write happy things. I'm accross the ocean, don't know how I can help you but I think you could talk with your hubby and ask him for help. about he feeling you spend to much time on the computer: why don't you invite him to join you? make it a family thing. show him how meaningful it is to you the time you spend online and how you all will be able to look back in your life and see your story together, written forever in one special place. I feel you're trying to do everything at the same time and that is why you're not having fun.

  5. i don't know any way to help you (and i hate that), but i want you to know that i feel the exact same way. exactly. i could have written this post myself. and i hate that either of us feels this way. it's not fair because i feel like the part where we feel like we are failing as MOTHERS (which is the most important thing) is especially untrue and proven, ironically, by the fact that we feel this way in the first place...if that makes any sense at all? i don't know how to find balance. i don't know how to make time for myself without feeling horrible guilt about it. i hate being a working mom. you're not alone. i feel like this comment is more of a bummer than a help...wyatt is beautiful, and so are you.

  6. Not sure if I can help, but I can tell you YOU'RE NOT ALONE. the last few months I've felt the EXACT same way. Just like I can't keep up, and so. freaking. tired. I had actually decided to turn down clients to give myself a break for a bit. That hasn't really happened, of course, but I do think I'm getting better at realizing I can't do all these things I do 100% all the time. I am realizing things will ebb and flow and have photography may struggle one minute or my mommy skills may the next. But I gotta remember I can't be perfect, as hard as I try. You are doing a fabulous job being you and just the fact that this is on your mind shows how much you care and want to be your best. That's what matters! Hang in there, and go snuggle with that sweet kiddo. (that always reminds me everything is ok...a little snuggle time with the kiddos)

  7. I don't know that I can be of any help, I can just say that I am praying for you and you are a good mother/wife/worker/photographer. We all go through these horrible feelings and I know that doesn't make it any easier but all you can do is do all you can and give it your best. If you really feel like it is to much maybe talking to someone (a professional) would help? Sorry that probably wasn't very helpful at all....

  8. I wish there was something--anything actually--that I could do to help.  I often feel the same way that you do, and I don't have the additional stress of being a working mom at the moment.  Most days I feel as though I'm barely keeping my head above water and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the week; oddly enough, now that my husband is back in the states and living with us again, I feel even more overwhelmed with everything because I now have to explain my reasoning when it comes to things like how I'm raising Sammy, what I do with my free time, and so on and so forth.  Sending big hugs your way!

  9. I was logged in under a different account--that's me below!

  10. Being yor father and wanting to always fix things... time seems to fix challenges because it keeps going and we do too. This is the kind of opportunities that I remember when you were growing up. Now they are good memories. So enjoy the journey cause before you can blink you will be 58yrs old and watching your Wyatt and his bride experience their "challenges". The is actually a fun part of life. Remembering that you have survived!!! I love you so much! You are a miracle child and the "fun" in the family. Keep taking pictures. It helps me to remember that I am important and each photo is a growing experience to relive those wonderful moments. Take Care. Later... Dad.

  11. I feel for you but don't give up and never think of yourself as a failure. See all the thing you are accomplishing in your life. Raising a child as a working Mum is not easy but at the same time you can't lose sight of who you are and what you want to be. You need to prioritise and don't think or feel that you have to be perfect at everything. The housework can wait if it means you are spending quality time with your child and or husband. Keep up with your photography because it is part of who you are, you need time for yourself, if you are happy the whole family will shine under your happy smile. Take care.

  12. Just received a cheque for $500.

    Many times people don't believe me when I tell them about how much money you can get by taking paid surveys at home...

    So I show them a video of myself getting paid $500 for taking paid surveys to set the record straight.


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