I put Wyatt down for bed just now after he fell asleep on the couch watching Alice and Wonderland on the Ipad. I knew if I laid him down in his bed that he’d wake up and I would not get this moment I have right now because instead I would be reading bedtime stories, singing him lullaby's and kissing him goodnight a thousand times and yes, as I write those words the guilt does set in.
As I laid him down in my cold bed in the dark he whispered softly “momma cuddle me.” and I did. I laid in the dark my head squished against his and I thought about how the day went today.
It was full of “just a minute” “hold ons” “lets do that later.” and at one point I yelled at him because he wasn't letting me take that perfect picture of us just being us and he cried and yelled back at me “3 year olds don't take pictures anymore!” I giggled until I look at his face. Tears streamed heavy down it while the snot bubbled out of his nose and I became that mom. I pushed for something that wasn't important to him because all he wanted was me to play and all I wanted was to take his picture thinking I was being in that moment which instead I wasn't.
The day before as I was putting him to bed properly I exclaimed “Wyatt its you and me day tomorrow! “We are going to do this and that and, and…” and all we did was nothing. Literally nothing. Dishes sat in the sink, the Christmas tree stayed up with all the open present spread out underneath it as the TV stayed on the same channel and I zoned out completely.
He begging me to do things which I did half way irradiated that I had to do them, he brought in toys which I stepped on, he asked me a million questions that half of them I just said “yeah, uh huh.” and before I knew it, it was 6pm daddy would be home and the house was a disaster which I scrabbled to pick up yelling “Wyatt hurry pick this up, take this to your room, Ugh, why did you have to bring so many things out here.”
Wyatt than looked at me and said “mommy you disappointed?”
Startled at the question I said “no of course not. I just want it clean in here.”
Then he said this.
“You don’t love me anymore?”
What? Have I been that distant today that he came to the conclusion that I didn't love him? Was I that selfish? Will he remember this day as I day that he wasn't loved enough? And really I cant say that after he professed all that to me that I changed. Because, I didn't.
I grab him, held him close and said of course I love you silly. I always will. There will not be one day that I don't love you. He smiled, kissed me and then went to his room alone.
Daddy came home Wyatt ran to him, like he would normally do to me. They played hide n seek which I tried to join which Wyatt told me I wasn't allowed too. He then sat next to dad blabbering on about some story and I sat alone.
The husband left to go watch the basketball game at his friends which Wyatt cried for him not too, but he did anyway. Wyatt then grabbed the Ipad turned on Alice and Wonderland fell asleep on the couch
Today wasn't my best mom day. I let my child fall asleep lonely so I could what? have this moment?
Totally not worth it.
So Todays Texture Thursday will not be done properly, I will not go through each of your blogs to pick a winner and I wont go on about the photo I have because today I wasn't a good mom and all I want to do is go and cuddle my son because he asked me too. So I hope you can forgive me.
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And those who have emailed me about all of that I will get back to you asap, Today I just sucked so I didn't.