Wednesday, December 28, 2011

and I sat down again. (aka texture thursday)

I put Wyatt down for bed just now after he fell asleep on the couch watching Alice and Wonderland on the Ipad. I knew if I laid him down in his bed that he’d wake up and I would not get this moment I have right now because instead I would be reading bedtime stories, singing him lullaby's and kissing him goodnight a thousand times and yes, as I write those words the guilt does set in.

As I laid him down in my cold bed in the dark he whispered softly “momma cuddle me.” and I did. I laid in the dark my head squished against his and I thought about how the day went today.

It was full of “just a minute” “hold ons” “lets do that later.” and at one point I yelled at him because he wasn't letting me take that perfect picture of us just being us and he cried and yelled back at me “3 year olds don't take pictures anymore!” I giggled until I look at his face. Tears streamed heavy down it while the snot bubbled out of his nose and I became that mom. I pushed for something that wasn't important to him because all he wanted was me to play and all I wanted was to take his picture thinking I was being in that moment which instead I wasn't. tepee1

The day before as I was putting him to bed properly I exclaimed “Wyatt its you and me day tomorrow! “We are going to do this and that and, and…” and all we did was nothing. Literally nothing. Dishes sat in the sink, the Christmas tree stayed up with all the open present spread out underneath it as the TV stayed on the same channel and I zoned out completely.

He begging me to do things which I did half way irradiated that I had to do them, he brought in toys which I stepped on, he asked me a million questions that half of them I just said “yeah, uh huh.” and before I knew it, it was 6pm daddy would be home and the house was a disaster which I scrabbled to pick up yelling  “Wyatt hurry pick this up, take this to your room, Ugh, why did you have to bring so many things out here.”

Wyatt than looked at me and said “mommy you disappointed?”

Startled at the question I said “no of course not. I just want it clean in here.”

Then he said this.

“You don’t love me anymore?”

What? Have I been that distant today that he came to the conclusion that I didn't love him? Was I that selfish? Will he remember this day as I day that he wasn't loved enough? And really I cant say that after he professed all that to me that I changed. Because, I didn't.

I grab him, held him close and said of course I love you silly. I always will. There will not be one day that I don't love you. He smiled, kissed me and then went to his room alone.

and I sat down again. tepee

Daddy came home Wyatt ran to him, like he would normally do to me. They played hide n seek which I tried to join which Wyatt told me I wasn't allowed too. He then sat next to dad blabbering on about some story and I sat alone.

The husband left to go watch the basketball game at his friends which Wyatt cried for him not too, but he did anyway. Wyatt then grabbed the Ipad turned on Alice and Wonderland fell asleep on the couch

lonely.

Today wasn't my best mom day. I let my child fall asleep lonely so I could what? have this moment?

Totally not worth it.


So Todays Texture Thursday will not be done properly, I will not go through each of your blogs to pick a winner and I wont go on about the photo I have because today I wasn't a good mom and all I want to do is go and cuddle my son because he asked me too. So I hope you can forgive me.


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And those who have emailed me about all of that I will get back to you asap, Today I just sucked so I didn't.

and then, she {snapped}

8 comments:

  1. You are a fabulous mom!! I often find my self reading your blogs and feeling jealous with how much you do with your son. We all have times where we wished we did something different, but that's why we have tomorrow! We always get another chance the next day. It is so wonderful how loving and forgiving a child can be! Keep your head up! It happens to the best of us and you are an amazing mom!!

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  2. I think we all have those days. This same exact day happens all too often around here. I want to change but I don't. I will pray you have a better day today.

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  3. Kristy LifenReflectionDec 29, 2011, 7:03:00 AM

    We all have sucky days, the good thing is we can start fresh the next day!

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  4. You're definitely not alone in having these kinds of days--try not to beat yourself up too much about it.  After all, we're only human and it's okay if we have an off day from time to time.  You're an awesome mom and Wyatt is one fabulous kid--today is another day!

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  5. oh - we all have these days!

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  6. i know i don't comment often, but i do read and you're one of the most honest, most amazing momma's in blogville. you post the good and the not so good and that's how i know you're pull through this and make your next Wyatt and Momma day spectacularly Wyatt and Mommaish.

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  7. Sorry you had that kind of day. We all have them I think. There are days when my kids literally make me insane, and then I put them to bed that night and look at their peaceful  little faces and want to kick myself. Just love 'em the best you can...they'll know! Hang in there. :)

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  8. Nancy @ A Rural JournalDec 30, 2011, 4:09:00 AM

    I'm so glad they didn't have computers and blogs when I was raising my boys. I really don't know how you girls do it all today -- (I sound like an old lady saying that!) 

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