Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Currently. I. Can.Not. Fall. Asleep.

My mind is racing a thousand times a minute while I laid looking up to the ceiling in my nice warm bed with the husband sound asleep besides me and I just cant fall asleep. No matter how hard I wished it, it won't come.


So I get up and try to write as the blank computer screen just stares at me whispering you should be in bed right now. I’m stressed, sick of the winter, wished on lived on a nice warm beach somewhere and hate that my apartment smells of dirty dishes while the Wal-Mart bags from our last random trip still lay on the floor with the stuff yet to be put away.


The thoughts I think come back to my job and the drama that goes a long with it. The thoughts then run through the creative juices I wished I had at this moment. I feel lost in my photography I wish that I would take those spontaneous photo adventures I did this time last year and captured the beauty I wished I saw this year.


I have cabin fever so bad that it is spilling into my mind with an overwhelming sense of depression that I hate that I cant shake it. God, I hate the cold. The dull sky, the brown grass and that stupid snow that wont go away. I hate it.


I want to be on a warm beach somewhere as my feet scrunch against the roughness of the hot sand and my face lifted high against the deep warmth of the sun. I want to hear the seagulls off in the distant as the waves crush against the beach. Oh how I picture it. Me, you and Wyatt building sandcastles together.

We close on a house this week but its not the one we really wanted. Its a fix me upper and we wont be able to get out of this god awful apartment until at least April which makes me sad. I want to paint our walls now in bright colors and hang large pictures. I want to run in our back yard chasing Wyatt as we laugh and fall into green grass. I want to finally get a dog that Wyatt could name something funny like Pupper. I want to build those memories now. Right now, with you. 


I hate this apartment. I hate the clutter. I hate that we don't have a working dishwasher. I hate that we have lived here too long. I hate that its still winter and I miss San Diego.

I have been in such a mood lately not only to you husband but to everyone. I am mad at the world for some unknown reason and I cant snap out of it. I blame the winter.


But today (since its 2 am) I am going to wash the dishes, clean the apartment, finally pay my school loan that's been over due forever and then I am taking the kid out on an adventure. Somewhere different, somewhere fun.

Somewhere to get me out of this cabin fever. I need an escape of the world, from reality. And today I hope I get it.


  1. I  hope you had a great day Audrey! :)
    I know what it's like to lie awake at night and still be awake in the early hours of the morning (that's me every day/night). It's horrible! So I really hope you had a better day.

  2. I wake up all night long and start fretting about finances, worrying about anything I can worry about. I get so awake I end up pulling out the computer and playing on it with classical music in the background. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t. If all else fails, I resort to my last option. I pretend I am a little girl, and I am at my own birthday party. I am going to be 73 next Tuesday so I have been doing it a LONG time. Hope you get through the move and that you can get your rest and regain that creative spark. Your pictures are just beautiful. Hope each day gets where it is a bit better than the one before. genie 

  3. Wow, I really needed to hear that someone else is going through this right now too! I have been in the biggest funk for so long, it's frustrating because I can picture the mom/wife/friend/daughter/whatever I am capable of being but I just don't have the energy to get there right now. We're trying to find a new home too and just realized that we won't be out of here this month like I thought. I'm sick all the time here and tired too. Blah! Okay, thanks for letting me dump all this here. Hope things start looking up soon! A fun adventure with Wyatt sounds like a great idea! Mixing up the ol' routine always lifts my spirits!


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