I worked a 12 hour day today. The whole time, I was missing my little man and by the time I got home he was already in bed. Leaving me to blankly stare at the TV screen while Cody nodded off. After a few hours of me watching TV, Wyatt sleepily stumbled out searching for me. I swooped him up, smelling his neck and embracing his warm little body. Oh, how I miss him. All day, all night I do.
This job is killing me with the mom guilt I feel when I get home. I hate that I am there and I hate that I love it when I am there. Its my “me” time, my free “I don't have to think about caring for him” time. I don't worry about entertaining him, feeding him, I don't have to hear the Mommy mommmy look at this, do that, be here, play with this, can I watch star wars again, the questions, the never ending questions. Oh, god the questions.
But then I get home and I realize right when I walk through the door. That I missed him. A lot. That really the “me” time I get at work is nothing I want. I want the questions, the play time, the moments when he wraps his fingers through my hair and kisses my face while whispering he loves me. I want nothing more then that.
So much that I miss him when I sleep and I now have this bad habit of letting him sleep next to me in my bed because I cant sleep with out him there. I know, that sooner than later he will not be able to do that anymore and that I will have to cut the aprons strings but I cant seem to let that day happen. I just cant, not yet. I miss him too much.