First, I like to think that I am a very open blogger. I tend to tell you to much that most times my husband cringes at the thought that everyone he might know, knows to much about us. But, I know there are bloggers out there that would like to know the truth and nothing but the truth and hate that the new trend of blogging has become to show only the good parts and hide the stuff that we are to afraid to admit so I am here today, to tell you things that I’ve been to afraid too…
I got married to young and mostly because I thought that there would be no one out there to love me, but him. That cause a lot of drama in our marriage and caused us to look at each other and really decided if we indeed loved each other.
I was one of those people who thought that having a baby would help things and Cody will tell you that I forced him into having a kid before he was ready. I did. But don't take that as that we don't love each other now and that we are not happy that Wyatt is here. Because we do, and we love Wyatt more then anything else in this world.
It just took us years to realize that yes, we love each other and that we are happy to be married to each other. (try adding a kid to the stress of all that. Phew.)
I was raped when I was 8 by a family member (and I wasn't the only one that it happened too.) Who I still see and who is still a part of my life and my families life. My family only came to know that this happened to me when I was 18 because my sister read my journal and told them. It caused me to not really talk to them for a good year or so. Not because they didn't try to support me through it because I didn't like the fact that they still allowed that person to be apart of their lives after they found out about it.
It still effects me today. It will always effect me and I hate that it does.
I think the worst of people most of the time because I tend to worry that they will do something to me that will cause me to be in pain. I blame that on the rape. I blame a lot on the rape.
I get mad at Cody’s condition and hate that he has it. I hope to god that Wyatt wont have the same thing because I don’t think I could handle it.
I eat to much. I don’t like that I am fat, but I am to lazy to exercise and I know that I will get some type of lipo one day and most likely get fat again.
Most days I let Wyatt watch way to much TV just so I can be on the internet or do what I want. Some nights I even let him fall asleep to the TV so I don't have to put him to bed.
It takes me months to do my dishes. They usually grow mold by the time I wash them.
I love going to work, so I don't have to be a house wife. Because I hated Cody more when I was one.
I am not sure I want another kid because I am to afraid that he’ll be awful and that I would regret having him and that makes me cringe more then anything else because I cant believe that I think that.
Phew,
That felt good. Maybe I’ll do this more often. Thanks for allowing me to be brave and tell you how I felt. Now please enjoy some instagram photos of Wyatt in a “bug forest.”
(If you do a post like this and would like us to read it, link it in the comments below.)
Tweet
What a open post. Good for you! And we are also bad about doing the dishes. Isn't it awful how rape can end up ruling so many parts of our lives, yet we still manage to function somehow. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou're awesome. Truly.
ReplyDeleteI just want to give you a bunch of big hugs--I can't even imagine the strength it took to write this post, let alone publish it. You are amazing!
ReplyDeleteIt must've taken a lot of strength to write this, thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI like how these other bloggers are talking about "scary" stuff consisting of defending their lifestyles whereas you are talking about real shit. Thank you for TRULY taking this for what it is instead of feeding us some bull about how you don't have a nice camera or aren't schooled in photography.
ReplyDeleteWell, thank you darling. :) I agree. Some of them I read and thought. Hmmm... really? Maybe one day they'll truly be brave enough to truly say what it is they are afraid of. (ps... I thought it was brave of you to tell me what you did in Vegas. I appreciated that and made me like you even more. just saying. I don't know if I told you that or not. and seriously when are you moving in with me? Cody says its okay.... (:
ReplyDeleteIt did and thank you for allowing me to be and thanks for reading it. :)
ReplyDeleteOMG, I schedule this post for early early in the morning when i'd be asleep so I wouldnt chicken out. I dreamt about it last night too. It was scary but you know, all day I have felt better to let it all out. Ya, know. (worried about the people who read my blog at work and what, if they'd say anything. they didnt. yet. eee.)
ReplyDeleteThanks. that means a lot. (:
ReplyDeletedishes suck, I CAN NOT WAIT TO HAVE A DISHWASHER! ugh. And yes, rape is awful. They'll be days that I am perfectly fine and then BAM it consumes me. But having it out in the open with my family, husband and myself makes it a little easier. I had10 years of no one knowing. That was hard, confusing and damaging. So I thank my sister all the time for reading my journal which in the end made me free. (and her too.)
ReplyDeleteThis is why I love your blog. You are so open and brave. I'm sorry for what happened to little Audrey. That's not light stuff. I'm guilty of some of the same things you've confessed. Just because you sometimes think like that doesn't mean you're a bad person. You're just being real, and that's why I keep coming here. Wish you the best!
ReplyDeleteWell, I certainly appreciated that. I use this blog not only to connect with others but to heal. Writing and sharing what is hard helps me do that. So thank you for always coming back and following along in my journey.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful post, I truly love it. I used to be TERRIBLE with the dishes. I'm talking to the point that I would throw them away rather than attempt washing off things I didn't remember eating. There is a pot growing mold right now, but I blame it on the scabies covering my hand, because if I touch water that is anything but cold, I will scream.
ReplyDeleteWow. Thank you for that Audrey. You're bravery is inspiring. I know I'm too chicken to ever talk about anything "real" on my blog. Maybe one day....
ReplyDelete