Regardless

 

The night may have turned into something that no one could imagine but regardless we are still here waiting for you. As I think back to the events that happened.  It was a relief to have it come out into the open but was it worth it?
Regardless we are family regardless we love you regardless we will be here for you regardless.

I just keep thinking back to those days when I was young and the secret would build up and I could hardly breathe and my world would be over. I can’t imagine how much it was worse for you. You took the brunt of it all. I am sorry.

Regardless I love you we love you we want you in our in the family now and forever.

The night may have turned into something that no one could image was it worth it?

I’m sorry sister. I am sorry that you had to be all alone in your struggle and we didn’t see the pain. I’m sorry sister.

We would talk for hours about the past and I would listen partly because I didn’t want to relive the pain endured when I was eight. I would listen... partly and I am sorry for that. I just couldn’t go back I was finally moving forward. I am sorry sister I just couldn’t I couldn’t… I’m sorry.

Regardless sister I love you.

I will listen now I will listen now… okay I will. Sister I will now I will I promise. I am sorry sister.

It was a night to celebrate to be happy to be together and I am sorry sister that you needed it to be this. I am sorry sister that we lost you in the end. 

I am sorry sister regardless I will always love you.

I will REGARDLESS. Tweet

Waiting for “blankey” to dry

The other day when I did my annual “WASH THE BLANKEY” day Wyatt would not leave the washer/dryer alone.

When I finally did get it into the dryer he threw a fit every time I tried to shut the dryer door.

“NO MOM… ‘S DUN.”

I said “No Wy its not it has to dry.”

“Mom? Mimkeey?” as he holds him up

“Yes Mickey is dry.”(We washed him early that day.)

I then tried to shut the dryer doors again.

“No Mom ‘s dun… EEEE?”

As he pushes the button on the side to turn off the light.

Then Bud the cat had to come and see what was going on…

“EEE?”  Wyatt says as he points to his blankey.

Bud then jumps into the dryer to get a closer look…

which Wyatt thinks is hilarious.

 

On a side note….

I did eventually get to shut the dryer door thanks to Bud. He jumped out of the dryer which then made Wyatt follow and torture him.

Thanks for taking one for the team Bud I owe you some tuna later.

:D

 

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EFF off! Leave us alone why don’t yah?!

 

As I sit here at 1:30 in the morning listening to the quite of the house I am hearing my husbands words ring in my ears and I feel a little bummed.

Cody before I tucked him in ( yes we tuck each other in at night if one goes to bed before the other.) he tells me that he thinks that no one loves him but he does this in a cute tone like he is trying to say to me that he just needs more of my attention. We do this a lot to each other but tonight it sits with me a little longer.
I think of the hard times we have had to go though and how maybe at those moments it was hard for me to “love” him even though I am “in love” with him.

Now I seem to like drama in my life and Cody can contest to that and when I don’t have it I some how create it.
This is a bad thing for Cody and very bad habit for me. I talk a lot about how Cody has some “issues” but I believe I have over the years made them worse with how I have acted and tonight made me think about each of the times that I have ignited the situation to make it go out of control.

When we were first dating I literally threw Cody out of my car and drove away. Now for the life of me I don’t know what the hell we were fighting about all I remember is after tossing him out of the car and watching him in my rear view mirror as I left I was soooo concerned that he would indeed take his own life that night but I still kept driving any way.

This is my fear it has been since they day Cody let me in on his depression. I don’t know if he will ever do this or if its just something I will constantly worry about but it is for sure this huge elephant in the room.

If you have ever know some one with this type of depression you can image the fears that come along with it. I have in my head planned out how Cody’s funeral will be and how I will have to call his friends and his family to let them know the bad news and I even know what I will say when I talk about his life.

And each time I think about this I full on cry because I know that even though in the moment of all the drama I am full on head over heels, hold a radio over my head in love with Cody and I will always be.

The night I threw him out. It only took me to the end of the street to turn around and search for him but by then he was gone.

I drove aimlessly around, calling him a billion times on his phone, PANICED, crying hysterically, screaming on the top of my lungs him name until he finally answered his phone and the conversation we had that night made me realize just how vulnerable he really was.

I go back to this night a lot in my head and I think of all my fears that are attached with it but the thing I forget is how strong he really is and how he is secretly funny, how at moments he will randomly sweep me of my feet, how I enjoy nothing more then a nice long laugh with him and how he does everything for me EVERYTHING! he sacrifices so much for me and I take it all for granted.

I fell in love with him the moment we were down in his mothers basement hanging out as “friends” and he turned to me and said “ You look really nice Audrey.” No other boy made a comment so genuine with out expecting something in return.

And when he gave up a Vegas trip with his friends to take me out on our first date that just took my breath away.

And when he held my hand that night at the movies and this spark went through me whole body and I knew that insist that I would MARRY THIS MAN.

And when we were upstairs on his living room couch and he told me that he wished that he was in everyone of those pictures that my mom scrap booked of my childhood because he wished that he had been in every moment my life because he loved me (yes that was the first time he uttered those words to me)

And when he proposed to me and asked me to be his wife and said “ I DO” on June 21, 2007

And when we held each other after Wyatt was born and looked each other in the eyes and said how happy we were I knew that this man this wonderful innocent MAN was the guy that I was born to be in love with and I know that he will do everything in his power to make sure that I am taken care of and that his son is taken care of and for that I thank him more then I can say.

So to those moments of hardship EFF off leave us alone why don’t yah?! let these moments the reasons we love each other over come you because I’m gonna stick with this man I LOVE THIS MAN!

CODY I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD!

And I will try with all my might to look passed my fears and be a better wife to you because you deserve all the happiness that the universe has to offer and I hope that you know that I don’t care about the hard times anymore and if we have more BRING IT ON! because with me sitting here in the early morning I can tell you that my love for you has grown more every year month week day hour minute and second and it will continue to grow for you.

Regardless.

 

 

 

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Chubby is a good way to say that I’m Fat.

Its not fabulous to be fat and lately I have notice that I am truly fat. I am fat enough to be in the Obese category which is sad to think about. Its even more sad to think that I did it all on my own and that I cant blame anyone else for it including Wyatt. I only gain maybe 5 to 10 pounds my whole pregnancy so no, its not the left over baby weight and when I think about it I have actually gained more weight since then.

now last summer I put my foot down and said I’m going to lose 70 pounds I’m going to work out, eat better do the whole 9 yards. I did end up going to the gym and I also went on hikes but I didn’t eat better.  Slowly but surly I stopped working out and all that hard work was a waste. ( Now I only lost maybe 10 pounds but now I gained that 10 pounds back plus 10 more.)

Now I have for years known that I was getting fatter by the month but I just didn’t do anything about it. I have had some really tuff times in my life and eating just made some things feel better. It was my comfort and it was something that I could CONTROL.

My life has never been easy. NEVER I have always seemed to have had bad luck wherever I have gone. Now I know that I should be the one that makes me own destiny but I never get a break long enough for me to do it.

When I was 8 I was raped and that took my life away from me and allowed others to have more control over what happened to me then I did. It made me self concise, made me feel ugly and made me grow up thinking that the only person who could love me was someone who was worse of then me because I didn't deserve to be happy. Now I struggled with this until I was 18 by myself I never told anyone besides a journal. (which then was read by family members.) Now don't get me wrong I never went down the road where I did the drugs and had the sex with a billion people I stayed pretty much on a none distractive path but internally I struggled.

I always was depressed even though I was such a happy go lucky person on the outside. I never could understand why this has happened to me and WHY well just Why was the big question I always had but I do believe that it has made me the person that I am today and if I didn't go though that I don't know how well rounded I would be how strong and open minded that I am and how I am able to relate to others. With that being said I believe I have and will always have some issue with it. Its the BIG thing in my life, the one thing that will always came back to haunt me even though I have forgiven my rapist but sometimes I still get so mad that I have to be stuck in this category of a “victim” that is a never ending cycle of questioning my self, holding myself back, thinking that I am ugly and that life will never give me a fair shot and that I will always be stuck in the same depressing spot.

Now I have gone though counseling for this and I have found my self many times and I know that it wasn't my fault that I was a child and that my childhood was taken from me but if I don't say that to myself multiply times I somehow seem to forget it and I go back to being that little 8 year old girl who is just asking for someone to help me.

I have always been the person who takes care of others. I have taken care of friends I have taken care of family and of course I have taken care of Cody which isn't easy  especially when you need to be the one who needs someone to take care of you.  so because I am normally the person people come to to talk about their problems mine never gets heard so sometimes instead of trying to find someone to talking about them too I eat.

I know that this is going to be a hard journey that I am again going to have to face my fears and again find my inner strength that I know that I have and I will again have to face myself head on and say “Audrey you are beautiful! You are a strong women who disserves all the happiness the world! And you can do this, you can be happy again, you can be the person you know that you are deep down inside and life will be better and you are not that 8 year old little girl anymore so stop thinking that you are.”

*Sigh* So my plan is to get healthy for myself first of all  but also for Wyatt.  Cause he disserves a momma who can chase after him with out dying after a few minutes and someone who will be there no matter. I am not going to let him down and I sure as hell don’t want to let myself down because I feel like this is the last step on this long journey of dealing with my past for me to truly once again be the happy go lucky person that I long to be.Tweet

Whats Date Night?

I have be such a good mom this week that I feel like I have not had one moment to myself. I didn’t make Wyatt go play with his toys while I watched my kabillion shows that I have on my DVR, I didn’t waste any time on FB during the day and I actually took the time to get down and dirty and play all sorts of games with Wyatt but now I feel like I need at least need one moment all to myself. I don’t know how much longer I can watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

 and I swear I have sang the “wheels on the bus” to many times to count.

Where did all my adult time go? I want to watch bloody gory shows I want to swear loudly just because I can and I want to be able to have a Nooner with my husband without having to hurry because Wyatt might wake up from his nap.

It has been soooo KID friendly in my house lately that Cody and I both forgot about the Valentine’s date we had planned. We talk about how the only day that we both would have free before Valentine’s Day would be Tuesday so we made it a point to say out loud that YES, WE WILL BE GOING ON A DATE and leaving Wy with a babysitter aka his mom.

Tuesday came and went we did everything but think about ourselves. We woke up early and watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse a billion times (ugh), made a fort (which was a blast! But our stupid cats kept jumping on it and making it fall down that Wy got a little scared to sit in there without anyone in there with him.) And we ate popcorn while we watch kid movies. So when the end of the day finally came to put Wyatt down to sleep we sat down to have some kid free time. We talked, laughed, cuddled and watched our shows on the DVR (thank god for the DVR!) and when the time came for us to slip into our bed I turned and looked at Cody and said “Wasn’t it supposed to be our date night?”

I remember those moments that Cody and I had when we didn’t have a kid. We could sit around the house in our underwear if we so desired too, we could have the TV up loud at night, we could go out and get something to eat at 1 in the morning TOGETHER and oh did we love to snick into movies. We would have movie marathons in the theater all the time. we would be there for hours and get into at least 3 movies without ever paying! IT WAS A BLAST! (And of course the Sex was a BIG PLUS because we could have it at anytime of the day.)

Thinking back to those times makes me laugh. How young we were and oh how sometimes I long to be back there we use to be so carefree and head over heels in love Nothing and no one else mattered. Now, well we have a toddler that says it all.

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"Lub"

This was just to cute not too share so while I was putting Wyatt down to bed tonight this was the conversation we had.


Me: Wyatt did you have fun today?

Wyatt: yaah

Me: did you have playing with the play dough?

Wyatt: yaah

Me: are you going to show daddy your sculptures?

Wyatt: Daddy?

Me: yeah dad?

Wyatt: Lub daddy.

Me: you love daddy? That’s good. Did you love mommy?

Wyatt: Lub mama

Me: do you love grandma?

Wyatt: Gram lub

Me: do you love grandpa?

Wyatt: lub

Me: do you love aunt Na?

Wyatt: Na lub Na

Me: do you love Aunt Brebre?

Wyatt: lub

We go on this way for awhile until he told me to sing a song but he said it this way "tig tig" and then we held hands through the crib bars as he fell asleep it was just too cute. Tweet

Yellow Balloons

                                        

  For the last couple of weeks Wyatt

 has had an awful cough but last night was the worst. He cough so hard that it woke him up and he wouldn’t go back to sleep unless I was holding him. Now I am fine with holding him all night but his cough was so bad that it woke me up multiple times which I didn’t like because I was already uncomfortable in the first place.

My head was half way on my pillow and half way off my arm was dead asleep because I was holding Wyatt so he wouldn’t roll off the bed and I had to sleep on my back. And I DO NOT LIKE SLEEPING ON MY BACK. So waking up every few hours didn’t help the situation.

I took Wyatt to the doctor in morning to see if we could do ANYTHING for his cough because I didn’t want to do another night of this and come to find out he has bad ear infection and also bronchitis.
So now I’m wondering to myself “how did I let this go on for so long that he ended up with bronchitis?” I feel awful

Did I not notice the signs?
What where the signs?
Were there any?
Was I so wrapped up in myself that I didn’t realize that my child was sick?

These are the question I ask myself each time Wyatt is sick because I feel like I should of paid attention to every runny nose and small cough that he got so I could have prevented any sickness coming to him because I don’t want him to have to go though any type of pain especially if I could of prevented it and being sick is on the top my of the list.

Now it brings me back to the times when my own mother was this big blanket of comfort that I would cuddle in when I didn’t feel well. She would hold me, put cold rags on my forehead and sing lullabies. This is the one she is known for and the one I sung to Wyatt tonight to put him to sleep.

"When I grow up I want to be a mother and have a family: one little, two little, three little babies of my own. Of all the jobs for me, I'll choose no other I'll have a family: four little, five little, six little babies in my home.
And I will love them all day long and give them cookies and milk and

Y

E

L

L

O

W







Balloons and cuddle them when things go wrong, and read them stories and sing them silly tunes. When I grow up, if I can be a mother how happy I will be: one little, two little, three little babies I can love.

And you will say each sister and each brother all look a lot like me: four little, five little, six little blessings from above."

Mom I just want to thank you for being my security blanket when I was sick And I
hope Wyatt gets comfort from your lullaby like I did when I was young.Tweet