Sunday, February 28, 2010

EFF off! Leave us alone why don’t yah?!


As I sit here at 1:30 in the morning listening to the quite of the house I am hearing my husbands words ring in my ears and I feel a little bummed.

Cody before I tucked him in ( yes we tuck each other in at night if one goes to bed before the other.) he tells me that he thinks that no one loves him but he does this in a cute tone like he is trying to say to me that he just needs more of my attention. We do this a lot to each other but tonight it sits with me a little longer.
I think of the hard times we have had to go though and how maybe at those moments it was hard for me to “love” him even though I am “in love” with him.

Now I seem to like drama in my life and Cody can contest to that and when I don’t have it I some how create it.
This is a bad thing for Cody and very bad habit for me. I talk a lot about how Cody has some “issues” but I believe I have over the years made them worse with how I have acted and tonight made me think about each of the times that I have ignited the situation to make it go out of control.

When we were first dating I literally threw Cody out of my car and drove away. Now for the life of me I don’t know what the hell we were fighting about all I remember is after tossing him out of the car and watching him in my rear view mirror as I left I was soooo concerned that he would indeed take his own life that night but I still kept driving any way.

This is my fear it has been since they day Cody let me in on his depression. I don’t know if he will ever do this or if its just something I will constantly worry about but it is for sure this huge elephant in the room.

If you have ever know some one with this type of depression you can image the fears that come along with it. I have in my head planned out how Cody’s funeral will be and how I will have to call his friends and his family to let them know the bad news and I even know what I will say when I talk about his life.

And each time I think about this I full on cry because I know that even though in the moment of all the drama I am full on head over heels, hold a radio over my head in love with Cody and I will always be.

The night I threw him out. It only took me to the end of the street to turn around and search for him but by then he was gone.

I drove aimlessly around, calling him a billion times on his phone, PANICED, crying hysterically, screaming on the top of my lungs him name until he finally answered his phone and the conversation we had that night made me realize just how vulnerable he really was.

I go back to this night a lot in my head and I think of all my fears that are attached with it but the thing I forget is how strong he really is and how he is secretly funny, how at moments he will randomly sweep me of my feet, how I enjoy nothing more then a nice long laugh with him and how he does everything for me EVERYTHING! he sacrifices so much for me and I take it all for granted.

I fell in love with him the moment we were down in his mothers basement hanging out as “friends” and he turned to me and said “ You look really nice Audrey.” No other boy made a comment so genuine with out expecting something in return.

And when he gave up a Vegas trip with his friends to take me out on our first date that just took my breath away.

And when he held my hand that night at the movies and this spark went through me whole body and I knew that insist that I would MARRY THIS MAN.

And when we were upstairs on his living room couch and he told me that he wished that he was in everyone of those pictures that my mom scrap booked of my childhood because he wished that he had been in every moment my life because he loved me (yes that was the first time he uttered those words to me)

And when he proposed to me and asked me to be his wife and said “ I DO” on June 21, 2007

And when we held each other after Wyatt was born and looked each other in the eyes and said how happy we were I knew that this man this wonderful innocent MAN was the guy that I was born to be in love with and I know that he will do everything in his power to make sure that I am taken care of and that his son is taken care of and for that I thank him more then I can say.

So to those moments of hardship EFF off leave us alone why don’t yah?! let these moments the reasons we love each other over come you because I’m gonna stick with this man I LOVE THIS MAN!


And I will try with all my might to look passed my fears and be a better wife to you because you deserve all the happiness that the universe has to offer and I hope that you know that I don’t care about the hard times anymore and if we have more BRING IT ON! because with me sitting here in the early morning I can tell you that my love for you has grown more every year month week day hour minute and second and it will continue to grow for you.





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